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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Snap Shot: Captain Ryan Callahan

Don’t look now, ladies and gentlemen, but the New York Rangers just had themselves a picture perfect offseason. We all knew the Brad Richards signing was coming. That’s classic Sather spending right there. Then he resigned the RFAs. Ok, nice move, we all like seeing that core come back. But then the question loomed over Ranger fans – who will lead this promising young team. Who will wear the Blueshirt ‘C’? It was in this question that we all saw a possible fuck up. Worry no more – the new captain has been named.

Ryan “Rochester Raised But Now A City Kid” Callahan is the 26th captain in the history of the New York Rangers. Congratu-freaking-lations to him. Don’t get me wrong; I’m super happy that management made the right call. It’s just overkill for the guy at this point. A three month span packed with his wedding, new millionaire-maker contract and sweater letter upgrade might be untopable. Can you have a better summer then that? Oh wait, you can… if you win the Stanley Cup. Hopefully he’ll share the wealth with us next June by bringing back a parade. Winners - nay - Legends, reside in the MSG rafters. You win for us, you live forever. Good luck, Mr. Callahan, and Godspeed to you on your quest!

Stalwart defenseman Marc “E-Marc” Staal and “The Savior of Gaborik” AKA Brad “Funky Bunch” Richards round out the registered leaders with their deserved straight A’s. More sound moves from management – should we start expecting smarts from now on or is this some kind of fizzling fluke trend?

And Anyone who thought Torts would give the ‘C’ to Richards because of their time together in Tampa clearly forgot where the fiery American-I-tie comes from. Cally and he are red, white and blue through and through. Patriots and professions, the both of them. That’s right! I am indeed suggesting that Richards got his consolation ‘A’, as many expected he would, not due to any lack of merit, but rather his lack of American heritage. A shocking conspiracy, I know. Thankfully you heard it from me first and not some rambling, internet-dwelling wiener with far too much time on his hands and no sense of respect.

Only one thing seemed kind of weird about the whole ordeal. No ‘A’ for Dubinsky? Did I miss something here? Was Dubi left off the ballot or what? It must be a behind-the-scenes thing because he was half the team’s heart last year. Was fighting Ovi not the act of a true leader? Topping every team stat wasn't worth too much either, eh? How could they possibly forget the famous playoff mustache? Torts must be messing with Dubinsky’s head like some kind of heartless dad who’s emotionally tortured son constantly craves approval. Sick freaking bastard.

So there you have it – a picture perfect offseason straight out of the future champion’s playbook. We’re back on course, baby! The train is on the tracks and we’re destined for success! I know it, Ryan Callahan knows it and you damn well know it too. Get ready, Ranger fans, we're considered real contenders. Our four year window starts in less than a week…


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