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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Rangers Reflections - The Calendar Says It's Time to Give Thanks

You wouldn’t know it by all the Christmas decorations hanging around, but there’s a certain holiday in November that’s only a couple days away. For most Americans, this holiday signifies the time of year where we watch football and overdose on tryptophan. But for some, it marks the time of year where we take a step back and give thanks for all we have. The New York Rangers are no exception.

They’ve got multimillion dollar deals, an elevated status in society, and more TV time than even Kate Gosselin could handle, but that doesn’t mean they don’t reflect on their lives and give thanks for their blessings. You know how most families go around the table and say what they’re thankful for? Again, the New York Rangers are no exception…

Setting – Somewhere in Florida, a large table covered in traditional Thanksgiving food, around which sits the New York Rangers…

John Tortorella: “Gentlemen, it’s time for each of us to give thanks. Please keep it brief, as many of us truly don’t care what you have to say, and are only waiting for our own turn to speak. Since I’m the coach, I’ll start… I guess I’m thankful for my job, since so many Ranger fans wish I didn’t have it. But I’m also thankful for YouTube, because without that wonderful website, I wouldn’t be able to watch my profanity-laden, post-game rants over and over again and share them with friends online. Why don’t we go your way, Marty?”

Marty Biron: “Um, I guess I’m thankful for the fact that no one wants me to be the starter here. I’ve come to realize that I play a lot better when no one expects me to play at all.”

Henrik Lundqvist: “I am thankful for Marty Biron; without him, I wouldn’t be able to occasionally sit on the bench for a full game and flirt with women in the stands.”

Marc Staal: “I am thankful for my brother Jared. If it wasn’t for him, people would think that I’m the least accomplished Staal brother out there.”

Michael Sauer: “I am thankful yesterday’s game against the Flames. Nothing gets you noticed by the fans like spending over 10 minutes in the penalty box…”

Michal Rozsival: “Now that he’s gone, I now know how thankful I was for Wade Redden. He made it so easy for me to avoid scrutiny…”


Matt Gilroy: “I’m thankful for the injuries, sicknesses, and poor play of others, without which I might never be allowed to dress.”

Steve Eminger: “I’m also thankful for injuries, sicknesses and the poor play of Matt Gilroy, without which I might never have been given the chance to kick ass out there like I’m doing.”

Todd White: “It doesn’t matter if I never dress another game for this team, I’m just thankful to be out of Atlanta…”

Brandon Prust: “I too am thankful to be here in New York instead of stranded in Calgary. It also gives me a warm feeling inside to know that I’m giving this team more return on investment than Olli Jokinen ever could. Who’d you guys trade for me again, Higgins and Kotalik? What a steal!”

Vinny Prospal: “I’m thankful for injuries that follow signing a new contract. Has anyone else seen Dancing with the Stars this season? That Bristol, she’s a fighter!”

Marian Gaborik: “Let’s get serious here people, the New York Rangers are thankful for me.”

Alex Frolov: “I’m thankful for low expectations. Once you have them, I can meet them!”

Ruslan Fedotenko: “What is this feel-good B.S. holiday anyway? This table spread could feel my whole home country for a year!”

Brandon Dubinsky: “I’m thankful for my early season production. If I had to be the subject of another ‘When’s he going to play up to his potential’ article, I was going to hunt down every blogger out there and hack them to pieces with my own stick.”

Chris Drury: “I’m thankful for the Heritage Jersey promotional photo shoot. If it wasn’t for that, I’m not sure if anyone would remember that I’m still on the roster…”

Erik Christensen: “Because it’s how I got to New York in the first place, I am thankful for the waiver wire… until I get put back on it, that is.”

Ryan Callahan: “I’m thankful for Chris Drury’s injuries. Now everyone can envision me with the “C” on my chest and long for the day when I get to raise the Stanley Cup up over my head in the middle of MSG.”

Brian Boyle: “I’m thankful for Brendan Mikkelson. Without his genius defensive play, I would never have been credited with my career high 9th goal of the season! Damn, I’m loving this year!”

Derek Boogaard: “I’m thankful for the Learn to Skate program in Rye, New York. But I’m especially thankful that I scored my first goal in over three years. Seriously, I haven’t been that happy since the Olsen twins turned 18!”

Artem Anisimov: “I am thankful for stable work, freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom from the KGB and, of course, Mother Russia.”

Sean Avery: “I’m thankful for these killer shades… and this awesome hat… and these baller pants… and these cool new shoes… and these…”

John Tortorella: “That’s enough, Sean. Seriously, get a grip on things. This is Thanksgiving, not fashion week. Why don’t we send it over to the kids table and see what the little tikes are thankful for…”

Derek Stepan: “You know, just cause we’re under the legal drinking age doesn’t mean we can’t sit at the same table. This is ridiculous!”

John Tortorella: “Just say what you’re thankful for Derek, or I’ll put you back on the fourth line faster than you can say Christopher Higgins!”

Derek Stepan: “Well in that case, I’m thankful for every chance I get to center Marian Gaborik.”

Michael Del Zotto: “I’m thankful for the new Harry Potter movie! Yay! Go Harry Go!”

John Tortorella: “Wow, that was painful. Anything else to add, Glen?”

Glen Sather: “Like I say every Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my years with the Oilers. Without them, people would wonder why I’m trusted with millions of dollars and the fate of an entire professional sports team.”

John Tortorella: “Aww, wasn’t that cute? Now normally, this is when we’d carve the turkey and eat ‘til we pass out, but I’m a genius coach whose tactics can’t be questioned, so I’m going to pull a crazy play out of my ass here. No one eats until we beat Tampa Bay tomorrow! Consider this meal in front of us as motivation to win…”


John Tortorella: “All right Dan! Relax! We’ll eat now! But I better see one hell of an effort from you all on Friday, or else!”

Derek Stepan: “Or else what?”

John Tortorella: “Or else you’re back on the fourth line, Derek, now shut up!!!”

*End Scene*

Well, thanks for checking out this edition of ’94 Parade (I’m thankful for everyone that reads this thing!) I hope you all have a healthy and happy holiday weekend, and that the Rangers win. Thank you and goodnight!

*Just wanted to note that I did not make the image accompanying this post. Found it on a google image search for Rangers and thanksgiving, and it was just to funny to pass up. Shout out to for the pic. Don't send your lawyers!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Heritage - One Man's Past is Another Man's Present

This season marks the 85th anniversary of our beloved New York Rangers. Born to battle local rivals (then Americans, now Devils, Islanders, Sabres, and Flyers), the Rangers made their way through a world war and a league lockout to become the marvel of mediocrity that we’ve all known since ’94.

Reflecting on the team’s history got me thinking about the current team’s heritage. Who are these guys? Where do they come from? What does their heritage say about them? Since I’m such an esteemed student of history, I knew exactly what I needed to do to find out; I did thorough research, distributed questionnaires to players and their families, interviewed their childhood friends, and nearly got myself kicked out of Kiev. I’ve compiled my findings into a short report, excerpts of which you’ll find below. Enjoy!

Michael Del Zotto – Heritage Profile
Hometown: Stouffville, Ontario. Known as an extremely charitable community, Stouffville instills a commitment to giving that extends well beyond the traditional holidays. Michael has taken that tradition to heart this year by giving up the puck at least three times a game.

Childhood Notes: Del Zotto played on a youth team that also featured future NHLer Steven Stamkos. The two remain best friends to this day, though Stamkos did note that, “It’s getting tougher now for Mike, with me being so great and all. I can’t deny that my sick nasty skills and subsequent fame have caused a bit of stress in our relationship.”

Artem Anisimov – Heritage Profile
Hometown: Yaroslavl, Russia. Less than 200 miles from Moscow, this historically rich Russian city is now a major center for industry. Despite its focus on modern production, Yaroslavl remains true to its Russian roots through its ornate churches and liquor stores that exclusively sell vodka.

Childhood Notes: Not much is known about this quiet giant from the East. I couldn’t find much information on Artem, but since he’s Russian, I’m going to assume that his parents were kidnapped by the KGB and he was forced into a sports factory at age 6 where he played hockey every minute of every day. Hey, it worked out well for us Ranger fans.

Brian Boyle – Heritage Profile
Hometown: Hingham, Mass. Though born in Hingham, Brian was bred at St. Sebastian’s School for Boys in Needham. It was here that Brian undoubtedly learned all the creepy social tendencies that make him such an awful wing man at bars.

Childhood Notes: Brian is the seventh child out of thirteen, and one of eight Boyle boys. When asked about the struggles of parenting such a large family, Judy Boyle responded by saying, “We just prayed to God that we’d have everything we needed to get by and be happy. We never did get that reality TV show, but I’m not giving up hope.”

Matt Gilroy – Heritage Profile
Hometown: North Bellmore, New York. Located on the south shore of Long Island, Bellmore is a mere half an hour from New York City. This proximity to Madison Square Garden makes it easy for friends and family to come see Matt at work. Unfortunately for them, chances to watch him actually play hockey will be few and far between, as Matt will spend 90% of his season picking his nose in the press box.

Childhood Notes: Matt’s father, Frank, is a member of the St. John’s Basketball Hall of Fame and was even drafted into the NBA by the Philadelphia 76ers. After realizing that white guys can’t make it in the NBA, Frank decided it would be best if his kids avoided racial competition all together… so he signed them up for hockey.

Henrik Lundqvist – Heritage Profile
Hometown: Are, Sweden. This region of Sweden has been a border battleground throughout its history, swapping its allegiance between Norway and Sweden over ten times during the sixteenth century. Thankfully, Henrik knows better than to switch sides on New York City. After signing his name to a six-year contract with the Rangers in 2008, Henrik added a post script that read. “Fuck the Devils”.

Childhood Notes: One practice, when Henrik was still very young, the coach asked if anyone wanted to be a goaltender. Henrik’s twin brother Joel grabbed and raised Henrik's arm and said “I would!” Henrik responded to his brother by prophetically stating, “No matter what position I play, I’m still going to be ten times better and ten times better looking than you’ll ever be.”

Sean Avery – Heritage Profile
Hometown: North York, Ontario. Despite being known as an accepting community that appreciates personal diversity, North York recently apologized for creating the monster we all know as Sean Avery.

Childhood Notes: Sean Avery’s obsession with fashion began at an early age, when he would steal dolls from his babysitter and play dress-up fashion-show with them (no joke, absolutely true). Parents – you know your son is different when he plays with Barbies as a child and does anything other than take their clothes off and simulate sex acts.

Chris Drury – Heritage Profile
Hometown: Trumball, Connecticut. Located in my home county, Trumball is known for being nowhere near anything remotely interesting. It is often ranked in ‘Top 100 Places To Live’ lists for its ability to avoid excitement entirely.

Childhood Notes: Chris has been dealing with fame since winning the Little League World Series in 1989. Since then, he has won state championships in high school hockey, national championships in college hockey, the Hobey Baker Award, the Calder Trophy and the Stanley Cup. Since signing with the Rangers in 2007, Drury has won absolutely nothing. This is New York City, Chris. We don’t care what you’ve done, we only care what you’ve done for us lately.

Well, that’s it for this edition of ’94 Parade. I hope you all enjoyed the post. I’ll leave you with another New York Ranger Haiku entitled, “New Heritage Jersey Debuts Tonight, but We Used to Have the Best Third Jersey in all of Hockey”.

Lady Liberty
Missing in action since May,

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Devils' Diagnosis

Rangers fans have been in a noticeably good mood lately. We have smiles on our faces, peps in our steps, and we’re less likely to flick off obnoxious drivers on the road while yelling expletives out of our car windows. One look at the NHL standings can tell you why. No, it’s not that the Rangers are doing particularly well; we’re still dealing with inconsistent efforts, low goal production and untimely mental mistakes. The source of our giddiness can be seen at the bottom of the standings. The New Jersey Devils are in last place!

Statistically awful, winless at home (when I wrote this) and riddled with cap issues, our friends from New Jersey haven’t seen this terrible a team since they last watched a Nets basketball game. Needless to say, it isn’t what their fans, nor we as their rivals, expected to see out of this perennial playoff participant… not that we’re complaining! Far from it, in fact. Watching the Devils perform this poorly gives Rangers fans the chance to openly mock and ridicule their franchise and fans. I haven’t felt this empowered since our 4-1 playoff series win in 2008!

But before we get ahead of ourselves and declare a season-long victory, we must understand WHY the Devils are so embarrassingly awful this year. To remain confident, we must know our enemy better than they know themselves. We must always be one step ahead of them, both on the ice and in their heads. So I’ve decided to present you with this segment I like to call, “Dr. Parade Diagnoses the Devils”… On with the show!

Symptom: 16 games in, the Devils are winless at home (ok, sue me. They won tonight against the Oilers in overtime. I already wrote the blog, cut the kid a break.)

Cause: New Jersey’s failures at The Rock are surprising indeed. Strong teams usually defend their home turf well, and given the stadium’s proximity to the Newark headquarters of the Latin Kings, they’ve never had problems intimidating opponents before. Now it seems that they are the ones who are scared. Franchise players like Patrick Elias and Jaime Langenbrunner look like shells of their former selves and the team’s young players aren’t stepping up to produce in their absence. Couple that with the atrocious attendance numbers and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why the Devils suck at home. It’s because they don’t think anyone’s watching! Whether it’s the veteran players who coast through games knowing their best is behind them, or the younger players who don’t feel responsible for pulling the team’s weight, it’s clear that the Devils feel like they’ve got nothing to prove and no one to prove it to.

Cure: Even though the Prudential Center stands are always half empty, it’s still a bummer to booed by your home fans. Due to the pressure and expectations of their hundreds of fans, I expect the Devils to bounce back on home ice soon; tonight’s game against the AHL’s Edmonton Oilers was a good opportunity, and they made the most of it, barely. Thankfully, if the Devils get better on home ice, it will hardly affect the Rangers because we outnumber their fans 3:1 at games in NJ.

Symptom: Rookie Coach Having Trouble Managing Expectations

Cause: Rookie coach John MacLean has been a giant question mark for this underachieving Devils team. With known genius and Kiss superfan Lou Lamoriello in the GM’s pressbox, he must be feeling the heat. Back in 2007, Lou fired then coach Claude Julien and took control of the team himself… when the Devils were 2nd in the East and on their way to setting a franchise record for wins in a season! Cutthroat Lou is all about winning, and John MacLean isn’t giving him much to smile about. If the Devils are still in the basement come January, don’t expect MacLean to be behind the bench.

Cure: Fire John MacLean. Duh! I mean let’s be honest, Lou Lamoriello is the envy of every Rangers fan. He drafts well, he commands respect, he sees the big picture and he gets results; he’s everything that Glen Sather isn’t. Admittedly, he sold the soul of his team to acquire Ilya Kolvalchuk, and the only way to make up for that is by assuming the head coaching role and personally turning the team around. But hey, if it needs to be done in order to win, Lou will do it. Unless it involves dancing. Lou does not dance. Not with the stars, not with his wife, not ever.

Symptom: Zach Parise’s Future

Cause: The Devils made a clear statement when they signed Ilya Kolvalchuk to a 15 year contract this past summer, and that statement was, “We don’t really care about Zach Parise”. The Devils are riddled with cap problems, and often don’t dress a complete team because their cap space won’t allow it. With money and years tied up in various places, the Devils will have very little to work with when it comes time to resign Zack next year… if he even wants to come back. Given the hockey they’re playing and the state they’re playing in, I cannot imagine that Parise is hell-bent on spending the rest of his life in Newark with the Devils. He’s a great player (as we were all forced to acknowledge during the Olympics last year as he rocked it wearing the red, white and blue), and he’s coming into his prime. He can make a lot of money elsewhere and contribute to a cup contender if things don’t work out in Jersey. I also heard he’s a very religious guy and has qualms about playing for a team that glorifies Satan.

Cure: The only cure for this problem is Lou Lamoriello. If there’s one guy who can convince this future superstar to take less money and pledge his allegiance to the franchise, it’s Ken Holland of the Detroit Red Wings. But if there’s two guys, the second would be Lou Lamoriello. Best case scenario, Parise realizes he’s an American stud who should be playing in the biggest American market, N-Y-C. If Glen Sather can recreate the signing of ex-Devil star Scott Gomez, it would piss Devils fans off to no end. Plus, it would completely make up for Sather’s decision to draft Huey Jesseman rather than Parise in the first round of the 2003 draft; Jessemen is the only player from that draft class never to play in a regular season NHL game. Awful. Also from my hometown.

Symptom: The Once Greats are Now Only Goods

The Cause: When the Devils reaquired Jason Arnott, I wondered if they were trying to recreate a “2K Nostalgia Team” or something. Brodeur, Langenbrunner, Arnott, Elias… The core of this team is the same as it was ten years ago… but now they suck. With the exception of Brodeur, not one of these reliable veterans has truly pulled their weight over the last couple years. And now Brodeur is old (see picture). If kids like Parise and Zajac hadn’t excelled at a young age, this team would be just like the Rangers: a mediocre team with trouble scoring.

The Cure:
Start over! Tank the rest of the season, go for good draft picks. Do it again next year too, for good measure. Wouldn’t that be awesome, just years of trouncing our cross town rivals to the point where it’s no fun anymo…oh wait, we already have that covered with the Islanders.

A shorter post, I know. But I like getting more and more of these out there, and sometimes the topic doesn’t lend itself to long-winded diatribes. In the interest of writing something Ranger related, I leave you with this haiku entitled, “The Two Ranger Russians Are Very Different, So I Guess I Don’t Believe in Stereotypes Anymore”.

Anisimov owns.
Playing hard and making plays.
Frolov is pure suck.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Boogaard Scores a Goal and Other Miraculous Feats

Last night, New York Rangers resident enforcer and mega Miley Cyrus fan, Derek Boogaard, scored his first goal since January 7th, 2006. That’s a total of 1,766 days in between goals. Being the butt of "You Play Hockey? I Thought You Were A Boxer" jokes can certainly get tiring, especially for a guy whose fist covers more square footage than a normal face can handle, so Derek has got to be relieved that this unflattering streak is over.

But as we all celebrated the Boogeyman’s goal with a grain of salt and a sarcastic laugh, I couldn’t help but think of other notable streaks around the NHL both past and present...

51 Games – Wayne Gretzky’s 51 game point streak still ranks among the most impressive things ever accomplished in all of sports. Once witnesses to the most exciting franchise in NHL history, Oilers fans now live every day with the knowledge that no NHL player ever really wants to play in Edmonton.

754 – Number of consecutive television broadcasts where Don Cherry’s suit has managed to cause seizures and nausea for a number of viewers at home.

35 Games – The longest unbeaten streak in NHL history belongs to the 1979-1980 Philadelphia Flyers. Famously known as the Broad Street Bullies, these teams were known for their toughness, grit and their ability to scare the absolute shit out of Russian Olympians. Now, thanks to Chris Pronger, opponents of the Flyers and their faces hope to go one game unbeaten.

964 Games – Doug Jarvis’ consecutive games played streak stands as the all time testament to Iron Man athletes. Although the NBA’s A.C. Green and numerous MLB players have amassed streaks stretching longer periods of time, I think we can all agree that hockey takes something special to play day in and day out; something that baseball and basketball players don’t always require. Hint: It’s what they throw around during the game.

95 Years – Vancouver holds the record for the city with the longest Stanley Cup drought in the trophy’s history. Chicago Cubs fans aren’t impressed.

332 Minutes – The NHL’s longest shutout streak is held by none other than Brian Boucher of the Philadelphia Flyers. Now a backup to rookie sensation and the pride of Poland, Bob Rovsky, Boucher once recorded five straight shutouts while playing for Phoenix in 2005. Boucher also holds the NCAA record for most sacks in a single game with 11. Oh wait, nevermind, that was Bobby Boucher. You know, The Waterboy? They look and talk so similarly that I sometimes get confused.

22 Years and Counting – The longest period of time during which a completely irrelevant, retired player remains the focus of a team’s fan’s chants. It’s time to face facts Rangers fans, our Potvin Sucks chant…sucks.

27 Games – During the 1975-76 season, the now defunct Kansas City Scouts managed to put together two of the most impressive winless streaks in NHL history. After a promising first half of the season, the Scouts managed to go on 1-35-8 in their final 44 games. This stretch included winless streaks of 16 and 27 games interrupted by a lone win against the lowly Capitals. Hey Devils fans, know what happened to the Scouts? They relocated to Denver, and then six years later they relocated to… New Jersey!! Ha-Ha, your franchise sucks! Not even Lou can save that legacy.

Thanks for stopping by! Check out older posts, like the blog on facebook, and comment for Christ’s sake! With that being said, I leave you with this Haiku written to express my feelings about last night’s loss to the Capitals. It’s called, “We Had Two Games In Hand On Everyone in the Division and Now We’re Not Looking So Hot”.

Wish Gabby was back.
Refs keep calling off our goals.
Not cool, refs, not cool.

Monday, November 1, 2010

A November to Remember

Anyone who’s glanced at our schedule with an analytical eye can tell you that November is a critical month for the Rangers. Sixteen games; eight home and eight away; nine against eastern conference playoff contenders. It may be a make or break month for the Rangers’ playoff chances.

Like many of you, I’m too concerned for my Rangers to wait a month to figure out how and what we do in the coming thirty days. Instead of just sitting on my couch and listening to Joe Micheletti stumble over simple sentences, I decided to find out all I could about how Rangers coach John Tortorella plans to run his team over the next month… by stealing his personal planner! Complete with his predications! Here’s what ’94 Parade found out about Tortorella’s expectations…

November 1st – Game at home against the Blackhawks. Lundy in net, definite win, possible shutout. Ditch press conference to meet Kaner at Hustler’s Club. Hire a limo just in case we want to get shirtless. Remember, no matter how many times Sean Avery asks if he can come, tell him you don’t know what he’s talking about.

November 2nd – No matter where and when I wake up, schedule practice for 7 pm. This is an extremely important month and I want to make sure Derek Boogaard finishes his skating lessons as soon as possible.

November 4th – Game in Philadelphia. Remember to remind younger kids that Pronger is only one strike away from jail for life, so it’s not likely that he’ll actually try and kill them no matter how convincing he may sound. I’ll start Biron in the hopes that he plays great against his old team, but I doubt he’ll make it through the second. Chalk this one up as a loss.

November 5th – Game in New Jersey. Compared to last night’s game, this crowd will seem downright friendly. Mostly because half of the stadium will be Rangers fans. Lundy vs Marty is always a good match up but I suspect the King is crowned again at the end of this one.

November 7th – Sunday night game against the Blues at home. If we don’t win this one, I’ll drop my first post-game interview F-bomb of the season.

November 9th – Continue four game home stand against the Capitals. Odds of Ovechkin scoring 3 goals, likely. Odds of our whole team scoring three goals, not likely. I bet we lose this one. After the game, remind team that our overall strategy does not include the phrase “…waiting for Marion Gaborik to get back”.

November 11th – Home against the Sabres. After our last game, I bet Derek Stepan $300 that he couldn’t do it again the next time we played the buff. If he can, I think we’ll win. If he doesn’t, I still win. Sweet.

November 14th – Doctor What-his-name said today’s the day! Marion Gaborik expected to make his return to the ice. I want to skate him against the Oilers before we go on the road for some games against real NHL teams.

November 15th – First game in the new Penguins arena. I heard that all the giant golden statues of Crosby and Lemieux make the place feel a little cult-like and creepy. I don’t even want to try to go out afterwords now that Big Ben has to be all “league compliant”. I have a feeling we win this in a shootout.

November 17th – Back home to debut the new third jerseys against the Bruins. Overall, I think fans will like the altered design and color scheme, but that’s because they’ve had two months to soak it in since Sean Avery leaked it. I suspect that a fresh outfit will fuel the Vogue Rogue to a two goal, one assist performance and a Ranger victory.

November 19th – Off to Colorado for the start of a weekend west coast road trip. Remember to bring that medicinal herb card I got last time we were in Denver. Otherwise that trip to Minnesota is going to suck! We’ll lose this one because I’ll be too busy giggling to give orders.

November 20th – Gabby will get at least two in his return to MN. Urge team to avoid overtime and shootout. Reject Stepan and Sauer’s attempts to get us all back to their log cabin homes in the middle of nowhere. I don’t want to spend anymore time in this godforsaken state. Get me back home!

November 22nd – At home against the Flames. Perfect opportunity to take Jerome Iginla out for a tour of NYC and a steak dinner. Hide Matt Gilroy’s equipment in the visitor’s locker room and see if he takes the hint. Olli Jokinen better not score or there’s going to be hell to pay.

November 24th – Back down to Tampa to take on the Lightning. I don’t care what happens on the ice, I’m going to spend the whole game staring at my championship banner. Stamkos will definitely light it up so I’ll start Marty Biron.

November 26th – Game in Miami against the Panthers. Call in sick early so I can get down to the Heat game without anyone seeing me. My prediction: Heat will win 101-89. LeBron will have 32, D. Wade will have 29, and I will have one hell of a night sitting courtside. If I have time, I’ll check in later to see if the Rangers won too.

November 27th – Game in Nashville against the Predators. Shea Weber and Martin Erat are on my fantasy team so I don’t care that they’ll absolutely destroy us in a typical Ranger off day.

November 29th – Back at home to play the Penguins at MSG. Ask Brandon Prust to “run into” Sidney Crosby in the hallways before the game and break his leg. After the month we’ve had, we’ll need a little advantage to win this one. Remind Marc Staal that no one cares how cool his older brothers are, so for god’s sake, shut up already.

Well there you have it Ranger fans. Coach John Portabella (thank you word spell-check!) and his personal plans for November success. I don’t know about you, but Larry Brooks and I both feel very comforted by the fact that at no point did he state his plans to purchase a shovel and a shit ton of lye. ‘Til next time, this is ’94 Parade. Email me at and like us on your facebook page. Thanks for reading!