You wouldn’t know it by all the Christmas decorations hanging around, but there’s a certain holiday in November that’s only a couple days away. For most Americans, this holiday signifies the time of year where we watch football and overdose on tryptophan. But for some, it marks the time of year where we take a step back and give thanks for all we have. The New York Rangers are no exception.
They’ve got multimillion dollar deals, an elevated status in society, and more TV time than even Kate Gosselin could handle, but that doesn’t mean they don’t reflect on their lives and give thanks for their blessings. You know how most families go around the table and say what they’re thankful for? Again, the New York Rangers are no exception…
Setting – Somewhere in Florida, a large table covered in traditional Thanksgiving food, around which sits the New York Rangers…
John Tortorella: “Gentlemen, it’s time for each of us to give thanks. Please keep it brief, as many of us truly don’t care what you have to say, and are only waiting for our own turn to speak. Since I’m the coach, I’ll start… I guess I’m thankful for my job, since so many Ranger fans wish I didn’t have it. But I’m also thankful for YouTube, because without that wonderful website, I wouldn’t be able to watch my profanity-laden, post-game rants over and over again and share them with friends online. Why don’t we go your way, Marty?”
Marty Biron: “Um, I guess I’m thankful for the fact that no one wants me to be the starter here. I’ve come to realize that I play a lot better when no one expects me to play at all.”
Henrik Lundqvist: “I am thankful for Marty Biron; without him, I wouldn’t be able to occasionally sit on the bench for a full game and flirt with women in the stands.”
Marc Staal: “I am thankful for my brother Jared. If it wasn’t for him, people would think that I’m the least accomplished Staal brother out there.”
Michael Sauer: “I am thankful yesterday’s game against the Flames. Nothing gets you noticed by the fans like spending over 10 minutes in the penalty box…”
Michal Rozsival: “Now that he’s gone, I now know how thankful I was for Wade Redden. He made it so easy for me to avoid scrutiny…”
Dan Girardi: “ME HUNGRY! FEED ME TURKEY!”
Matt Gilroy: “I’m thankful for the injuries, sicknesses, and poor play of others, without which I might never be allowed to dress.”
Steve Eminger: “I’m also thankful for injuries, sicknesses and the poor play of Matt Gilroy, without which I might never have been given the chance to kick ass out there like I’m doing.”
Todd White: “It doesn’t matter if I never dress another game for this team, I’m just thankful to be out of Atlanta…”
Brandon Prust: “I too am thankful to be here in New York instead of stranded in Calgary. It also gives me a warm feeling inside to know that I’m giving this team more return on investment than Olli Jokinen ever could. Who’d you guys trade for me again, Higgins and Kotalik? What a steal!”
Vinny Prospal: “I’m thankful for injuries that follow signing a new contract. Has anyone else seen Dancing with the Stars this season? That Bristol, she’s a fighter!”
Marian Gaborik: “Let’s get serious here people, the New York Rangers are thankful for me.”
Alex Frolov: “I’m thankful for low expectations. Once you have them, I can meet them!”
Ruslan Fedotenko: “What is this feel-good B.S. holiday anyway? This table spread could feel my whole home country for a year!”
Brandon Dubinsky: “I’m thankful for my early season production. If I had to be the subject of another ‘When’s he going to play up to his potential’ article, I was going to hunt down every blogger out there and hack them to pieces with my own stick.”
Chris Drury: “I’m thankful for the Heritage Jersey promotional photo shoot. If it wasn’t for that, I’m not sure if anyone would remember that I’m still on the roster…”
Erik Christensen: “Because it’s how I got to New York in the first place, I am thankful for the waiver wire… until I get put back on it, that is.”
Ryan Callahan: “I’m thankful for Chris Drury’s injuries. Now everyone can envision me with the “C” on my chest and long for the day when I get to raise the Stanley Cup up over my head in the middle of MSG.”
Brian Boyle: “I’m thankful for Brendan Mikkelson. Without his genius defensive play, I would never have been credited with my career high 9th goal of the season! Damn, I’m loving this year!”
Derek Boogaard: “I’m thankful for the Learn to Skate program in Rye, New York. But I’m especially thankful that I scored my first goal in over three years. Seriously, I haven’t been that happy since the Olsen twins turned 18!”
Artem Anisimov: “I am thankful for stable work, freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom from the KGB and, of course, Mother Russia.”
Sean Avery: “I’m thankful for these killer shades… and this awesome hat… and these baller pants… and these cool new shoes… and these…”
John Tortorella: “That’s enough, Sean. Seriously, get a grip on things. This is Thanksgiving, not fashion week. Why don’t we send it over to the kids table and see what the little tikes are thankful for…”
Derek Stepan: “You know, just cause we’re under the legal drinking age doesn’t mean we can’t sit at the same table. This is ridiculous!”
John Tortorella: “Just say what you’re thankful for Derek, or I’ll put you back on the fourth line faster than you can say Christopher Higgins!”
Derek Stepan: “Well in that case, I’m thankful for every chance I get to center Marian Gaborik.”
Michael Del Zotto: “I’m thankful for the new Harry Potter movie! Yay! Go Harry Go!”
John Tortorella: “Wow, that was painful. Anything else to add, Glen?”
Glen Sather: “Like I say every Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my years with the Oilers. Without them, people would wonder why I’m trusted with millions of dollars and the fate of an entire professional sports team.”
John Tortorella: “Aww, wasn’t that cute? Now normally, this is when we’d carve the turkey and eat ‘til we pass out, but I’m a genius coach whose tactics can’t be questioned, so I’m going to pull a crazy play out of my ass here. No one eats until we beat Tampa Bay tomorrow! Consider this meal in front of us as motivation to win…”
Dan Girardi: “ME HUNGRY NOW! ME EAT TURKEY OR ME SMASH TABLE!”
John Tortorella: “All right Dan! Relax! We’ll eat now! But I better see one hell of an effort from you all on Friday, or else!”
Derek Stepan: “Or else what?”
John Tortorella: “Or else you’re back on the fourth line, Derek, now shut up!!!”
*End Scene*
Well, thanks for checking out this edition of ’94 Parade (I’m thankful for everyone that reads this thing!) I hope you all have a healthy and happy holiday weekend, and that the Rangers win. Thank you and goodnight!
*Just wanted to note that I did not make the image accompanying this post. Found it on a google image search for Rangers and thanksgiving, and it was just to funny to pass up. Shout out to www.5hole.com for the pic. Don't send your lawyers!
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