A November to Remember

Anyone who’s glanced at our schedule with an analytical eye can tell you that November is a critical month for the Rangers. Sixteen games; eight home and eight away; nine against eastern conference playoff contenders. It may be a make or break month for the Rangers’ playoff chances.

Like many of you, I’m too concerned for my Rangers to wait a month to figure out how and what we do in the coming thirty days. Instead of just sitting on my couch and listening to Joe Micheletti stumble over simple sentences, I decided to find out all I could about how Rangers coach John Tortorella plans to run his team over the next month… by stealing his personal planner! Complete with his predications! Here’s what ’94 Parade found out about Tortorella’s expectations…

November 1st – Game at home against the Blackhawks. Lundy in net, definite win, possible shutout. Ditch press conference to meet Kaner at Hustler’s Club. Hire a limo just in case we want to get shirtless. Remember, no matter how many times Sean Avery asks if he can come, tell him you don’t know what he’s talking about.

November 2nd – No matter where and when I wake up, schedule practice for 7 pm. This is an extremely important month and I want to make sure Derek Boogaard finishes his skating lessons as soon as possible.

November 4th – Game in Philadelphia. Remember to remind younger kids that Pronger is only one strike away from jail for life, so it’s not likely that he’ll actually try and kill them no matter how convincing he may sound. I’ll start Biron in the hopes that he plays great against his old team, but I doubt he’ll make it through the second. Chalk this one up as a loss.

November 5th – Game in New Jersey. Compared to last night’s game, this crowd will seem downright friendly. Mostly because half of the stadium will be Rangers fans. Lundy vs Marty is always a good match up but I suspect the King is crowned again at the end of this one.

November 7th – Sunday night game against the Blues at home. If we don’t win this one, I’ll drop my first post-game interview F-bomb of the season.

November 9th – Continue four game home stand against the Capitals. Odds of Ovechkin scoring 3 goals, likely. Odds of our whole team scoring three goals, not likely. I bet we lose this one. After the game, remind team that our overall strategy does not include the phrase “…waiting for Marion Gaborik to get back”.

November 11th – Home against the Sabres. After our last game, I bet Derek Stepan $300 that he couldn’t do it again the next time we played the buff. If he can, I think we’ll win. If he doesn’t, I still win. Sweet.

November 14th – Doctor What-his-name said today’s the day! Marion Gaborik expected to make his return to the ice. I want to skate him against the Oilers before we go on the road for some games against real NHL teams.

November 15th – First game in the new Penguins arena. I heard that all the giant golden statues of Crosby and Lemieux make the place feel a little cult-like and creepy. I don’t even want to try to go out afterwords now that Big Ben has to be all “league compliant”. I have a feeling we win this in a shootout.

November 17th – Back home to debut the new third jerseys against the Bruins. Overall, I think fans will like the altered design and color scheme, but that’s because they’ve had two months to soak it in since Sean Avery leaked it. I suspect that a fresh outfit will fuel the Vogue Rogue to a two goal, one assist performance and a Ranger victory.

November 19th – Off to Colorado for the start of a weekend west coast road trip. Remember to bring that medicinal herb card I got last time we were in Denver. Otherwise that trip to Minnesota is going to suck! We’ll lose this one because I’ll be too busy giggling to give orders.

November 20th – Gabby will get at least two in his return to MN. Urge team to avoid overtime and shootout. Reject Stepan and Sauer’s attempts to get us all back to their log cabin homes in the middle of nowhere. I don’t want to spend anymore time in this godforsaken state. Get me back home!

November 22nd – At home against the Flames. Perfect opportunity to take Jerome Iginla out for a tour of NYC and a steak dinner. Hide Matt Gilroy’s equipment in the visitor’s locker room and see if he takes the hint. Olli Jokinen better not score or there’s going to be hell to pay.

November 24th – Back down to Tampa to take on the Lightning. I don’t care what happens on the ice, I’m going to spend the whole game staring at my championship banner. Stamkos will definitely light it up so I’ll start Marty Biron.

November 26th – Game in Miami against the Panthers. Call in sick early so I can get down to the Heat game without anyone seeing me. My prediction: Heat will win 101-89. LeBron will have 32, D. Wade will have 29, and I will have one hell of a night sitting courtside. If I have time, I’ll check in later to see if the Rangers won too.

November 27th – Game in Nashville against the Predators. Shea Weber and Martin Erat are on my fantasy team so I don’t care that they’ll absolutely destroy us in a typical Ranger off day.

November 29th – Back at home to play the Penguins at MSG. Ask Brandon Prust to “run into” Sidney Crosby in the hallways before the game and break his leg. After the month we’ve had, we’ll need a little advantage to win this one. Remind Marc Staal that no one cares how cool his older brothers are, so for god’s sake, shut up already.

Well there you have it Ranger fans. Coach John Portabella (thank you word spell-check!) and his personal plans for November success. I don’t know about you, but Larry Brooks and I both feel very comforted by the fact that at no point did he state his plans to purchase a shovel and a shit ton of lye. ‘Til next time, this is ’94 Parade. Email me at 94parade@gmail.com and like us on your facebook page. Thanks for reading!