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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Unofficial Notes from Around the NHL

"Milbury to Rypien: Been there, done that, color me unimpressed"

Hello Parade Nation! Welcome back to the blog! It seems like a long time ago that I last posted, or at least a long time since I posted anything about hockey. With the NBA season starting up and the MLB season winding down, I just had to get my shots in while the time was ripe. Now it’s time to buckle down and focus on the ice.

The regular season is starting to heat up and crazy things are happening all over the league. Since the sports world is completely mesmerized by Brett Favre’s ability to text picture messages, it’s possible that you’ve missed some of the action. So to bring everyone up to speed with the season so far, ’94 Parade proudly presents Unofficial Notes from Around the NHL.

Detroit Red Wings – Kirk Malby retires from the NHL after 17 years and 4 Stanley Cups. His decision to leave the game allows Detroit to get the number of players on its roster over the age of 35 down to only 20.

Vancouver Canucks – Winger Rick Rypien was suspended six games by the NHL for shoving a Wild fan after being ejected from a game in Minnesota. After being given the chance to cool down and reflect on the situation, Rypien admitted that it was one of the best “Yo Mama” jokes he had heard in a long time.

Los Angeles Kings – The Kings have had their best start in a number of years and are clearly building up a team capable of contending for the Stanley Cup. When asked his opinion on the Kings and their chances at long term success, Kobe Bryant answered, “LA has a hockey team? I wonder where their stadium is…”

Edmonton Oilers – After a strong showing in their first two games, the Oilers have lost 4 straight. When polled about what’s gone wrong with their hometown heroes, Oilers fans blamed rookie Jordan Eberle for not scoring the Goal of the Year on every shift, and top draft pick Taylor Hall for not scoring a goal at all.

Phoenix Coyotes – Kyle Turris, 3rd overall choice in the 2007 draft, was demoted to the minors for the whole of last season after playing 63 games as a rookie. The highly touted prospect is making good on his return to the NHL with 4 points in his last 2 games. Total number of people paying attention to this in the state of Arizona: See numbers listed above and pick one.

Chicago Blackhawks – The Hawks began their quest for a repeat in fine fashion by raising their fourth Stanley Cup banner to the United Center rafters. Spirits were dampened quickly, however, when fans recognized only half of this year’s team from the group responsible for winning said banner. Somewhere in Atlanta, Dustin Byfuglein is crying and listening to The Cure.

New Jersey Devils – Usually, it’s Marty Broduer who’s setting records in New Jersey with his stellar goaltending. This year, however, first year head coach John MacLean and Ilya Kovalchuk combined to set the NHL all-time record for Most Expensive Press Box Seat. From his own seat in the press box, Lou Lamariello could be heard saying, “Well, looks like it’s back to the bench for me.”

Philadelphia Flyers – Last year’s Eastern Conference champions have been on a surprise skid losing five of their last six games. Head Coach Peter Laviolette was quoted as saying, “To be honest, I didn’t even notice how low we had gotten in the standings. I literally blacked out from shock after seeing the Islanders in first place”. When Chris Pronger was asked his opinion, he stabbed the reporter with a broken hockey stick.

Tampa Bay Lightning – The Southeast Division is no cake walk for the Capitals this year. Steve-Y has taken well to his new position as General Manager, although some league officials are beginning to question if his tactics are fair. Playing center on the team’s power play in a fake mustache isn’t fooling anyone.

Atlanta Thrashers – After a slow start to the season, new GM Rick Dudley admitted that his off season planning was fundamentally flawed; “I now realize that it was more important to go after really nasty players from the 2010 Stanley Cup winning Chicago Blackhawks, and not just players from the 2010 Stanley Cup winning Chicago Blackhawks. My bad.”

Montreal Canadians – Citizens in Montreal have been rioting almost continuously since Saturday October 16th. City officials aren’t sure if the chaos is due to some political unrest or just the fact that the Canadians won four of their last five games. “Either way”, Montreal Mayor GĂ©rald Tremblay commented (in a snooty French accent), “it’ll die down soon.”

Ottawa Senators – GM Bryan Murray is openly shopping the league for a physical, imposing defenseman (like the one they lost in Anton Volchenkov) after his team’s terrible beginning to the regular season. Rangers GM Glen Sather reportedly tried to contact Murray and offer up Wade Redden, but couldn’t do it without laughing hysterically at the thought of describing Redden as a physical, imposing defenseman.

Well, thanks for checking in with the rest of the NHL and with me here at ’94 Parade. It’s really cool to see Rangers fans supporting the Laughter as Therapy movement. Us Ranger fans are a great community of angry, dissatisfied people. To connect with that community is great, so please continue to tell any New York Rangers or hockey fan you know about this blog. The more people who read it, the happier I get, and the easier it is to forget that Marian Gaborik is injured.

So since this post had a lack of Ranger content, I’m going to leave you with what will certainly not be my last attempt at posting Ranger Poetry. This haiku is entitled, “Michael Del Zotto and Sean Avery Should Leaving the Fighting to Prust and Boogaard”.

Standing up for your
Team mates is all well and good.
But stop. You look lame.

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