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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Stan Lee & The NHL - Guardians of the Sports World

In early October, the NHL announced a unique partnership with comic book legend Stan Lee. “The Guardian Project” will feature 30 new superheroes each inspired by an NHL team. This partnership is expected to produce video games, comic books, even full length movies, and will take the sport of hockey into territory it has never known before (unless you count that truly epic animated series starring the giant alien Mighty Ducks).

I have to admit, when I first read about this I was very excited. I may be just a tad outside their “tween boys” target demo, but I love hockey and Stan Lee is the man so I was excited to see what would happen. I knew they were going to keep a tight lid on this project so leaks weren’t likely, but that’s nothing that a little chloroform and some good ol’ B&E couldn’t take care of. While Mr. Lee was passed out, I had just enough time to rummage through his personal stuff and swipe written descriptions of some of the Eastern Conference characters. Take a look at what I found…

Boston Bruins
Guardian’s Name: The WereBear
Bio: Bear Brewenson was a retired boxer struggling to find meaning with his post-fighting life. One dark and stormy night, he sought the company of a professional woman. Bear noticed that she was overly aggressive, and knew something was very wrong when she took a big bite out of his neck. He passed out from losing so much blood, but woke up the next morning with no scratches or scars. As the weeks went by, Bear felt very strange (almost wild like an animal) and suddenly had huge cravings for raw salmon. Then, on the next full moon, Bear transformed into a giant beast of a creature; he became hairy, grew sharp fangs and began to howl with rage. The WereBear was born!
Special Powers: The WereBear’s powers include intense strength, deceptive speed and the remarkable ability to lose a seven game series after being up 3-0.

New York Islanders
Guardian’s Name: Housewife Hulk
Bio: This spinoff of a Stan Lee great truly pays tribute the traditions of Long Island. Carey Summers, once a promising scientist in the 80’s, is now a housewife and mother of three with a lot of time on her hands. One day while performing her usual experiments with drugs and alcohol, something goes terribly wrong. After downing the two full bottles of wine and 3 vicodins that she had stashed in her microwave, Carey sees that her skin is turning blue and orange and her muscles are growing at an alarming rate. In a matter of minutes, Carey is The Housewife Hulk!
Special Powers: Housewife Hulk has an array of powers and she’s not afraid to use them. She can beat you into a pulp or she can nag you into a pulp. She can max out your credit card with just a single trip to the mall, and she’s not much to look at either!

Washington Capitals
Guardian’s Name: Captain Capital
Bio: Robert Norfolk was just your average DC politician until one fateful day. After successfully blocking important 9/11 health care bills, Norfolk decided to celebrate by driving through the poverty stricken parts of city and laughing at the poor from the back seat of his limo. All of the sudden, the limo skidded out on some ice and flew into an abandoned building filled with toxic goo. When Norfolk woke up, he was uncontrollably tortured by pangs of guilt and remorse. His conscious started to eat him alive and now he must do nothing but good deeds to successfully counteract his pain.
Special Powers: Robert Norfolk had to ability to act without feeling or emotion. He was a shell of a human being with a very small heart and absolutely no conscious. The toxic goo caused his heart to expand and his conscious to develop, but to dangerous levels of intensity. Now, CC is a slave to what’s right. He fights for the weak, speaks for the voiceless, and punches Sarah Palin right in the face whenever he sees her!

Florida Panthers
Guardian’s Name: Pantheron
Bio: When the Simmons family of Miami found a stray cat living under their porch, they thought they had found a new member of their family. They named him Checkers and fed him Meow Mix, but they had no idea that Checkers was from deep space! The cat was the last of its kind, and was sent to Earth to protect humans from the fate of his home planet. He transforms into the formidable Pantheron with one ring of his cute little collar bell and protects the streets of Miami from gangsters, drug dealers and the cast of Jersey Shore.
Special Powers: Pantheron will maul you into submission with his giant claws and sharp teeth, but is also known to impede his enemy’s breathing by inducing severe allergic reactions. Although Pantheron looks very scary and strong, he is easily taken down by those with a ball of yarn or an amusing stuffed mouse.

Buffalo Sabres
Guardian’s Name: General Sabre
Bio: General Sabre used to be a Civil War General who famously rode into battle on the back of his giant Buffalo “Bob”. He was the ultimate man’s man. He drank whiskey for breakfast and shaved with a dull spoon. Wait, “used to be”? Yes, “used to be”, because this hero is actually a ghost! Meant to represent the dead cup dreams of Sabre fans everywhere, General Sabre haunts the tundra of northern New York for all eternity.
Special Powers: Because he’s a ghost, General Sabre has a hard time physically harming people. To get around this immaterial inconvenience, the General prefers to scare his enemies into a petrified paralysis. Very few dare to disturb the General’s peace and incur his wrath, but that could just be a side effect of the fact that no one in their right mind would go to Buffalo anyways.

Pittsburg Penguins
Guardian’s Name: The Flightless Bird
Bio: Little Billy Sacks isn’t your typical twelve year old. After his parents were murdered by a petty thief right in front of his eyes, Billy decided to devote his life to fighting crime and following his favorite hockey team. As an homage to his hometown heroes, he names himself The Flightless Bird and vows revenge on the thief that killed his parents and all other criminals. The name is fitting, as Billy is a short little fat kid who waddles around the neighborhood in a black cape and underwear and cannot fly.
Special Powers: The Flightless Bird’s enemies usually laugh themselves uncontrollably upon first seeing the boy. This gives him just enough time to call the cops on his cell phone and tell them where the trouble is. He also has the amazing ability to ignore all the physical evidence that suggests Sidney Crosby is a whiny, diving sack of shit with a stupid looking mustache. Spoiler Alert! Matt Cooke killed your parents, kid. Sorry.

Philadelphia Flyers
Guardian’s Name: The Scumbag
Bio: The Scumbag is not human. The Scumbag is not animal. He is a hybrid creature, born and bred in the sewers of Philadelphia. His brain is underdeveloped and his mannerisms are irritating, but he hits hard and does whatever it takes to win (even if it means purposely puking on little girls at baseball games).
Special Powers: The Scumbag is known for his amazing ability to disgust his enemies. His ‘Toxic Vomit Attack’ has been known to scald the skin and blind the eyes, but his stench is what always seals the deal. One whiff of this cruddy cretin causes a temporary loss of bowel control.

New York Rangers
Guardian’s Name: The Dick
Bio: Tex Tomlinson was your average New York City bouncer; not too bright and not too nice - the typical meathead with a clipboard. That all changed one day when a well dressed man who called himself Mr. Avery showed up to the club. The man was not physically imposing, but immediately Tex knew that he was a grade ‘A’ asshole who demanded respect (he was also on the list, so that helped). The mysterious Mr. Avery approached Tex and said he had a mission for the young man: Protect the streets of NYC from PA Parenteau. He said that the evil Parenteau was “a total dick” who “must be kept out of all the city’s fine clubs and lounges”. He handed Tex a pair of designer sunglasses with effeminate-looking blue shades. “Here”, he said, “wear these and you will become ‘The Dick’. All will tremble before your doucheyness. But beware, with great power comes great responsibility…”
Special Powers: The Dick has the power to deny you access to any bar, club or lounge in the city… even if you’re not THAT drunk! He smashes in heads with his ‘Clipboard of Death’ and drives around in an extremely loud motorcycle that ruins everyone’s nice quiet evening out. He’s always on the lookout for his mortal enemy, PA Parenteau, who legend says will one day try to enter an NYC lounge and bring about an end to the reign of the mysterious Mr. Avery.

So there you have it. Sorry I couldn’t get you more, but just as I was reaching back into Mr. Lee’s bag for sheet number two, his Asian mail-order bride came running in and started yelling at me in Asianese or something. Needless to say, I got the fuck out of there faster than you could say, “Devils Suck”!

I hope everyone has a happy and healthy holiday season! I’ll see you all on the other side of Christmas. Until then, I leave you with this haiku entitled, “HERE WE GO RANGERS!”

Here we go Rangers!
Merry Christmas Blueshirt fans,
Let’s go win the cup!

1 comment:

  1. Lol! Love it! Now, those are comic books I'd read! And I'm an Avery fan to boot!