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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Christmas 2010 - It's All About the Presents

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go… and everywhere you look… and every time you turn on the TV - it’s inescapable! Like it or not, Christmas is now the king of all holidays. It commands obedience and demands respect. It eats other holidays for breakfast. The very mention of its name sends children into uncontrollable fits of glee. And it’s almost here!

The countdown to Christmas is a special time of year. Everywhere we go, we are all reminded of the great holiday traditions – the lights, the carols, and the unbridled desire for material goods. Things! Stuff!! Presents!!! Write to Santa, ask your parents, as long as you get what you want, it’s all good baby! Everybody has gift cravings, and the hockey community is no exception. Thanks to a few well paid sources inside the mailing systems of North America, I’ve been able to figure out what some NHLers are asking for this year…

Alex Ovechkin - A full refund from Oscar De La Hoya for those personal fighting lessons.

Tom Renney – After coaching in both New York and Edmonton, I just want a job in a city where no one cares about hockey or winning.

Jarome Iginla – A one-way ticket to JFK.

The KHL – Santa, I stopped believing in you when you failed to bring me Ilya Kovalchuk and instead provided Evgeni Nabokov. He’s overrated. Here, you can have him back.

Mikko Koivu – I want my stick back from Bobby Ryan… with an autograph if he could.

Sidney Crosby – More press would be nice. Oh, and a Louis Vuitton 2 piece swimsuit with matching strappy sandals.

Rick DiPietro – Another major injury ASAP.

Joe Nieuwendyk – A little attention please! The Cowboys are a dismal 4-9 this year and my first place team still can’t get noticed in this state. Screw Texas.

Gary Bettman – I know it would take a miracle, but all I want for Christmas is for people in Arizona, Georgia and Florida to start liking hockey.

Brian Burke – Please Santa, send me a first round draft pick before the entire city of Toronto tears me limb from limb.

Sean Avery – More All-Star write-in votes please! By the way, did I see you at the club last weekend? It could have been you, but it might have been PA Parenteau in disguise. I was wearing designer sunglasses so it was a little hard to see.

Alexi Kovalev – A deadline day trade to a Stanley Cup contender and severely lowered expectations from my new team.

Cory Clouston – I don’t care if I get coal in return, just get Alexi Kovalev out of Ottawa!

Patrick Kane – Summertime, and the living’s easy. Drinkin’ all day, partying with Stanley.

It’s may be just a coincidence, but both Jody Shelly and Colton Orr asked for “Justin Bieber concert tickets for a special date I have planned”.

Chris Pronger – A thick steak of human meat and a tall glass of children’s tears.

Vancouver Canucks Fans – 10 more sets of Sedin twins please!

Dan Ellis – For once, I’d like to be mentioned in the hockey media without the accompanying adjectives “whiney”, “greedy” and “talentless twitter-whore”.

Olli Jokinen – shootout skills. Oh, and regular skills too.

’94 Parade – Santa, I don’t need anything now. I’d like to forego any presents I might get this December and cash in one big, shiny, silver present in early June.

There you have it. The various wishes and wants of the hockey world revealed for all to see. I hope you all get what you want from Santa this year, and if you’re Jewish, I’m sorry! Battling Christmas is a tough match up that no one expected you to win. Kind of like every Islanders game that isn’t against the Devils! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!

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