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Monday, January 3, 2011

'94 Parade's First-Ever 2010 Possibly-Annual Super-Megalicious End-of-Year Awards Show!

2010 is in the books, ladies and gentlemen, and it sure has been a fun one. We had lows (acquiring Olli Jokinen) and we had highs (getting rid of Olli Jokinen), and yet somehow Glen Sather still runs our team. We laughed out loud (Derek Boogaard scoring a goal) and we shed some tears (PLEASE, NO MORE OLLI!!), but since we didn’t raise any banners this fall, the memories are all that’s left. To honor those memories and the people who made them possible, I give you all: ’94 Parade’s Possibly-Annual Super-Megalicious End-of-Year Awards Show!!!

*The winner of each award will receive a coveted “Golden Cigar”; an actual stogie chomped upon by "Sathermiester" (as Glen likes to be called by his female staffers) retrieved from the GM’s personal garbage bin, dipped in gold and mounted on a formidable mahogany pedestal.

The “Wish You’d Show Up More Often” Award

Winner: Erik Christensen
Reasoning: Christensen is classic trade-bait material. He’s been in and out of Pittsburgh, Atlanta and Anaheim without ever really cementing his presence. When he’s on his game, he’s a difference-maker on the ice and compliments Gaborik’s style. Unfortunately for Ranger fans, he’s on his game about as often as Lindsay Lohan is sober. This season, when Erik scores, the Rangers are undefeated. Now he’s out four to six weeks with a sprained knee, so that particular stat won’t be tested for another 25 games. Actually never mind, that sounds like the status quo for Christensen.
Runner Up: Marian Gaborik. So far this season, our resident sniper has yet to truly catch fire. His point total is only two above the joke known as Ilya Kovalchuk (granted, Marian’s played 11 less games. Come to think of it, that’s more hilarious than it is depressing).

The “You’re Dead to Me Now” Award
Winner: PA Parenteau

Reasoning: Last season, Parenteau made a name for himself as a dependable shootout participant and a promising member of the Rangers’ youth movement. He endeared himself to the blue shirt faithful when he clinched a shootout win for the Rangers in Ottawa with his parents in attendance. Then, Parenteau signed a one year contract with the New York Islanders. Fine by me PA, I consider it your loss. A season in Long Island is like 3 years San Quentin time, but don’t go mocking your former team after merely assisting on a tying goal (in a game that you lost). Get some class kid; even “The Classless Kid” himself, Sean Avery, thought that was low. You’re dead to me now, don’t even try getting into my bar, club or lounge.
Runner Up: Olli Jokinen (Duh!)

The “Please, Someone Kill This Guy Soon” Award
Winner: Pierre McGuire

Reasoning: This award was going to go to the obvious candidate Sidney Crosby, but then Pierre McGuire came on camera at the Winter Classic and reminded us all why he’s the champ.
Runner Up: Sidney Crosby (Duh, again!)

The “Inseparable Butt-Buddies” Award
Winners: Brian Boyle and Brandon Prust

Reasoning: For all I know and care, these guys could be like oil and water off the ice. It doesn’t matter to me because when these two beasts are fore-checking opponents and forcing turnovers, it’s like music to my eyes. They rock, they roll, they feed the slot and bang away garbage goals – they do all the dirty work, and they do it so well! Watch closely next Rangers game. You know those periods of time when the Rangers look lifeless and ineffective? Watch for their first good, positive shift and look to see who is out on the ice. I’ll bet you right now that it’ll be Prust and Boyle. For all the line-shuffling John Tortorella does, he doesn’t dare break up Prusty and Boyle.
Runner Up: Artem Anisimov and Enver Lisin were best friends in New York last year. Then we didn’t make Enver an offer in the off-season. Boo-Hoo Butt Buddies!

The “Mannish Boy” Award
Winners: Michael Del Zotto

Reasoning: MDZ was a revelation last year. At only 19 years of age, he led all Ranger defensemen in both goals and assists (and points for those of you who couldn’t put the puzzle pieces together). But this season has been a different story for the young number 4. Pedestrian point production, inconsistent play and costly mistakes have pushed Del Zotto down the depth chart. So much so that the Rangers just sent him down to the Hartford for the first time in his career. Say hi to Wade for us, Michael!
Runner Up: Derek Stepan, but for much more positive reasons.

The “You Kind of Look like Frodo from Lord of the Rings” Award
Winner: Mats Zuccarello-Aasen

Reasoning: Well, because he kind of looks like Frodo from Lord of the Rings… and he’s short.
Runner Up: Marc Staal. This one wasn’t even close.

The “Ha-Ha, Your Life Sucks Now” Award
Winner: Wade Redden

Reasoning: There was a moment in late November when I thought, “Wow, I’ve been really happy lately. I don’t know why, but I feel like things are a lot better now. Is it my job? No, not that. Girlfriend? Can’t be that, we’ve been together for 7 years now….” Then I remembered that Wade Redden got demoted to the minors, and I knew exactly why things were better lately. He’s a -5 down there, by the way.
Runner Up: No one's life even comes close to sucking as hard as Wade Redden's does. Can you imagine how brutal the family gatherings are back in Saskatchewan? "So Wade, how are you and Danica liking the cultural scene in Hartford?" Owch.

The “Here Today, Gone Tomorrow” Award
Winner: Alex Frolov

Reasoning: Frolov made us all very happy Ranger fans when he signed for the club back in July. Unfortunately for us, he hasn’t made Ranger fans happy at all since then. His 7 goals put him on pace to match his rookie season, and his play has been about as inspiring as a wet dish cloth. Nevertheless, Alex remains an attractive bargaining piece for Glen Sather. He was a consistent 50+ point guy in LA and would certainly spark the interest of inquiring GMs. Unfortunately for us (again), Glen Sather is an ass and will likely trade him to Phoenix for a used puck bag and Derek Morris.
Runner Up: Matt Gilroy. Here’s the Catch 22, Matt. The better you play (when you get the chance, that is), the better you look to GMs on a selling spree. Beware of being too good, you might just find yourself playing in Calgary before you know it. Holla, Jarome!

The “You Know, Why Don’t You Just Sit This One Out” Award
Winner: Derek Boogaard

Reasoning: This guy is a waste of a roster space. I bet Torts is slipping the team doctor bonus cash under the table just to keep saying that Derek “is not yet symptom free”. I find it hard to believe that this guy has a concussion simply because I have yet to see evidence that he even has a brain.
Runner Up: Sean Avery. When he’s not playing his game out there, you wonder why he’s playing the game at all. One goal to date is far too few for this should-be game-changer. 14 assists are all well and good, but we need him to perform without a public tirade from Torts prior to each freaking game.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The first Possibly-Annual Super-Megalicious End-of-Year Awards Show brought to you by ’94 Parade (and Honda, of course). To everyone who didn’t receive an award, I truly am sorry. I would have given one out to all Ranger players, but then I’d be making up lame awards like the “Best Ukrainian on the Team” just to keep Ruslan Fedotenko happy. I hope you all had a happy and a safe New Year! This edition of Ranger Haikus is entitled, “Here’s to Making 2011 a Good One”.

Raise your glasses, all,
And toast to the Stanley Cup
We’re coming for you.

1 comment:

  1. You need a foam award: All foam no beer. aka tons of talent and great moves but never finishes. I tried to recall all of the foam I could think of since I started calling one player a year foam.

    By my count these are our past foamy players.


    and this years winner:
    Froamlov ( see what I did there)