Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Angels & Deamons of the Hockey World
Good versus evil, right versus wrong. This classic matchup drives much of the world’s entertainment, including professional sports. Fans usually hold true to the standard “my team is good, everyone else is evil” theory, but watching those (insert any synonym for ridiculously awesome here) HBO 24/7 episodes recently gave me a craving for just a little more access. I mean, who knew that Marc Andre-Fluery was a pretty funny guy? Based on looks alone, I thought he was probably a child molester.
Anyways, I took it upon myself to personally survey every player, coach and general manager in the NHL (sorry for the delay between posts, did I mention I was busy?) to figure out exactly who was naughty and who was nice when it came to the real world. The results were rather surprising, check it out…
Good Guys of the NHL
Ilya Kovalchuk – The NHL’s answer to Carmelo Anthony made enemies amongst the Thrasher fan base (though given the team, that’s about 80 people max) when he turned down extension offers to test the free market, but things aren’t always as they seem on the surface. Aware that his excessive personal demands would cripple any team he signed with, Kovy knew that he had to leave Atlanta for the sake of the franchise. Thanks for choosing Jersey, Ilya! He must hate the Devils too…
Ron Wilson – The Toronto Maple Leafs head coach is the kind of guy who is always willing to throw in a few extra bucks for the cause.
Jarome Iginla – renowned for his charitable spirit and generous attitude, Jarome has spent the last fifteen years donating nearly all his time and energy to a non-profit organization known as the Calgary Flames.
Evgeni Nabokov – What a guy! The former San Jose Sharks goalie realized his family was unhappy living in Russia (Daddy, everyone here only has one eyebrow?), so he came back to the league ready to help any team in need of his services. Except the Islanders… anyone but the Islanders.
Zdeno Chara – For the sake of the kids and their families, Zdeno agreed never to visit the Children’s Hospital of Boston ever again. Just the sight of him, they wouldn’t stop crying!
Brian Burke – To this day, many people in the hockey world are still stunned that Brian Burke, general manager of the Maple Leafs and apparent humanitarian, would give away two first round draft picks for absolutely nothing.
Mike Komisarek – Mike is a really approachable guy and is always willing to give fans advice, tips or insight into what it takes to be an NHL player. So when a woman approached him in a Hollywood nightclub recently and asked him what it was like to be in a hockey fight, he was more than happy to show her.
Mats Zucarello – Did the whole of middle earth a favor when he threw the evil Lord Sauron’s ring back into the fiery pit of Mount Doom.
Joe Sacco – The head coach of the Colorado Avalanche recently made a dream come true through the Make-A-Wish Foundation when he allowed Peter Forsberg to practice with an NHL team just one last time before it all ended for good.
Eugene Melnyk – The Senators owner considers his franchise to be like a family. “And you don’t fire family, ever!” he told the Ottawa media recently. “Now for the last time, stop asking me if Bryan Murray and/or Cory Clouston are in jeopardy of losing their jobs!”
Bad Guys of the NHL
Eric Staal – I didn’t even need to interview anyone to figure this out. Just watching him take a couple dirty runs at his younger brother Mark about a month ago solidified his role as the family villain. “Did he just say ‘dirty runs’?” Indeed I did.
Mike Comrie – This guy married Lizzy McGuire. How dare you violate the sanctity of my childhood Disney crush! In a dark basement somewhere, the guy who played Gordo is crying himself to sleep watching their movie on repeat.
Steven Stamkos - Don't let the school boy smile and youthful good looks fool you, Stamkos has yet to supply authorities with a credible alibi for his whereabouts on November 22nd, 1963. We deserve to know the truth!
Chris Pronger - Do I even need to explain this one? Chris Pronger makes Kim Jong Il look like Regis Philbin. A normal a-hole would have just stolen the game puck after that Stanley Cup Final loss, but I have it on good authority (Bobrovsky fears for his life) that Pronger is turning that puck into a pipe bomb destined for Patrick Kane’s car… deranged nut job.
Teemu Selanne - This relic of the '90's is one of the games most popular players amongst fans and teammates. But after he opted to purchase a pure-bred boxer dog from a breeder rather than save a canine from the shelter, PETA and the ASPCA were all over his ass. Heartless bastard.
Gary Bettman – The league’s commissioner is a cruel, vindictive, powerful man. He’s the kind of guy that doesn’t just take away your NHL franchise. He’ll take away your NHL franchise, and then he’ll go and give a franchise to every city south of the border, whether they want one or not.
I talked with numerous teammates who claim they saw either Henrik or Daniel Sedin scrape a parked car parallel parking and then hurriedly drive away without leaving a note or anything. If any of them could have been certain as to which Sedin it actually was, that twin would certainly be on this list.
Bruce Boudreau – Thanks to HBO’s 24/7, the Washington Capitals head coach is solely responsible for teaching half of America’s youth every single possible grammatical application of the word ‘fuck’.
Pavel Datsyuk – Although few have ever actually heard the man speak, Pavel Datsyuk is apparently a huge fan of prank calling. So the next time you pick up the phone and the other end abruptly hangs up without saying a word, just know that Pavel got you good!
Max Pacioretty – No one is willing to repeat exactly what Max said to Henrik that caused the Ranger goalie to repeatedly blocker-sock him in the face, but I’m told it would have enraged even the mildest of Swedes.
Well that does it for this rendition of '94 Parade. Thanks for checking out the site and spreading the word to all your friends and family that like hockey. Oh wait, what's that? You haven't yet told all your friends and family that like hockey about this blog? Interesting... Well, next time you need something from me, we'll see how receptive I am then, won't we?
To close it out, I give you another edition of Ranger Haikus. This little gem is entitled, "Stop Letting Every Team You Beat Walk Away With One Point Too Many".
A win is preferred
Regulation would be best