The Worst Hockey Game I've Ever Been To

Greetings! Welcome to ’94 Parade. Glad you made your way over here, thanks for stopping in, would you mind removing your shoes please? I’m trying to keep the floors clean…

So last week I went to my second Rangers game of the year. I’m 0/2 so far. It’s frustrating. The first one I went to was against the Senators, a game I chose purely based on my understanding that the Senators are a shit team that the Rangers can beat easily. I even passed up tickets to the Capitals game they won 7-0 because I thought they had a better chance against Ottawa. Who knew Chris Kelly would put up a hat trick on Lundy? Who knew Chris Kelly was even a hockey player?!

So game number two was against our hated rival, the New Jersey Devils. Everyone knows how it went. Badly. 3 goals on 11 something shots, one in the first minute, the game felt over as soon as Kovy’s name was announced as the first goal scorer. Yet the Rangers felt the need to twist my heart and come back to within one. They thought it would be funny to hit a couple posts and leave me wallowing in a wasted $70. I walked away feeling frustrated and helpless.

But as bad as I felt last Thursday, I knew that times had been worse. My worst hockey experience ever came on a day when the Rangers played the Devils at the Prudential Center in February of ‘09. I was a senior in college, and my five friends and I got tickets to the game. Half Devils fans, half Ranger fans, we bantered back and forth until New Jersey took the lead. From then on out, we didn’t have a chance. The Rangers looked flat and completely incapable of getting a solid scoring chance, so there wasn’t much fun to be had by simply watching the game.

Nevertheless, there was some excitement only a few rows in front of us. A group of Ranger fans were annoying and taunting a large Devils fan sitting directly in front of them. The Devils fan was with his girlfriend or something, and you could tell that was pretty much all that was holding him back. He was freakin’ huge too, kept turning around and telling them to keep their mouths shut. The whole section kind of got into it, trying to push the two parties to their boiling points just to see the fireworks.

Well nothing happened, but the young group of Ranger fans continued to talk throughout the night, despite the fact that our team was soundly beaten. But when the game was over, the battle began! Here’s what happened…

-With thirty seconds left in the game, three of our friends (2 of the bigger ones and one Quat) leave to hit up the bathroom.

-The buzzer sounds and we decide to wait in our seats for the boys to come back.

-The young group of Ranger fans walk up the stairs to exit the section and begin to talk smack with my fat friend Gumdrop whose ratty Devils jersey can barely fit over his beer/everything else under the sun belly.

-My friend Rob joins in, both of my companions are wearing Devils jerseys. It’s also important to note that I am wearing nothing to signify my Ranger loyalty.

-The main agitator of the opposing group, a slim looking wiener who’s obviously had too much to drink and not enough love from his parents, slips his way into the row above us and keeps jabbering on about us being cats or kittens or something along those lines, I can’t remember exactly.

-He then pushes Gumdrop. Now the push was completely ineffective as the Gum is about 5’ 10” and weighs over 300 pounds with a center of gravity like a concrete block, but the tension was cut anyways.

-Rob and I both grab this kid on pure principal and drag him down to our row.

-As this happens, all 4 of his friends come running into the row behind us.

-I’m closest to the aisle, so two of them immediately grab me from behind and start punching me in the head. They’ve got the added advantage of higher ground and larger numbers, so I never even had a chance.

-Every time I looked up to make a move, a fist hit me right in the face. I took about six shots to the eye, never fell though cause I’m a total bad ass like that.

-After six straight shots though, I was fed up, so I made a bold move to jump over the row but that backfired and I wound up getting thrown 4 rows down the stands.

-As I got up, the young Ranger fans began to hurriedly leave. The 400 pound female security guards were watching us (not doing anything, mind you) and that seemed to indicate that the festivities were winding down.

-Clearly the worse for wear, we were escorted into the medical office of the Rock.

-My friend Rob was the only one who had seemingly won his fight. I had been double-teamed into a black eye and a concussion, and my Gummy friend was also banged up.

-We met back up with our 3 friends who were stunned to hear to what happened. Had they been there it would have been a completely different story, I assure you. Ironically enough, they had witnessed a fan fight in the bathroom as well.


So we left the Pru and headed back to the car. My eye was swelling up faster than a teenage penis after browsing W Magazine’s Kim Kardashian photo shoot. My five friends were chatting on and on about how cool it was and how it would have been so different if so and so had been there. And the worst news of all, the absolute cherry on the shit-sundae I was so gracefully served… I WAS SOBER! I was the freakin' designated driver. My luck could not have been worse. At least if I was drunk I wouldn’t have noticed the concussion slowly and painfully making its way through my cabesa.

The best hockey game I’ve ever been to was the NJ-NY game last year when the Rangers won 3-1 and Lundy put on a show like no other. I should have known going into Thursday that the experience couldn’t possibly top that night. At least I also knew that it couldn’t be worse than the aforementioned disaster.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately! I’ve been busy like you wouldn’t believe, and it’s a lot harder to be happily creative about the Rangers when their play on the ice resembles Islander-like awfulness. To make it up to you, please accept this haiku apology.

No apologies
Until the Rangers win a
Freaking game for once.