Snap Shot: Captain Ryan Callahan

Don’t look now, ladies and gentlemen, but the New York Rangers just had themselves a picture perfect offseason. We all knew the Brad Richards signing was coming. That’s classic Sather spending right there. Then he resigned the RFAs. Ok, nice move, we all like seeing that core come back. But then the question loomed over Ranger fans – who will lead this promising young team. Who will wear the Blueshirt ‘C’? It was in this question that we all saw a possible fuck up. Worry no more – the new captain has been named.

Ryan “Rochester Raised But Now A City Kid” Callahan is the 26th captain in the history of the New York Rangers. Congratu-freaking-lations to him. Don’t get me wrong; I’m super happy that management made the right call. It’s just overkill for the guy at this point. A three month span packed with his wedding, new millionaire-maker contract and sweater letter upgrade might be untopable. Can you have a better summer then that? Oh wait, you can… if you win the Stanley Cup. Hopefully he’ll share the wealth with us next June by bringing back a parade. Winners - nay - Legends, reside in the MSG rafters. You win for us, you live forever. Good luck, Mr. Callahan, and Godspeed to you on your quest!

Stalwart defenseman Marc “E-Marc” Staal and “The Savior of Gaborik” AKA Brad “Funky Bunch” Richards round out the registered leaders with their deserved straight A’s. More sound moves from management – should we start expecting smarts from now on or is this some kind of fizzling fluke trend?

And Anyone who thought Torts would give the ‘C’ to Richards because of their time together in Tampa clearly forgot where the fiery American-I-tie comes from. Cally and he are red, white and blue through and through. Patriots and professions, the both of them. That’s right! I am indeed suggesting that Richards got his consolation ‘A’, as many expected he would, not due to any lack of merit, but rather his lack of American heritage. A shocking conspiracy, I know. Thankfully you heard it from me first and not some rambling, internet-dwelling wiener with far too much time on his hands and no sense of respect.

Only one thing seemed kind of weird about the whole ordeal. No ‘A’ for Dubinsky? Did I miss something here? Was Dubi left off the ballot or what? It must be a behind-the-scenes thing because he was half the team’s heart last year. Was fighting Ovi not the act of a true leader? Topping every team stat wasn't worth too much either, eh? How could they possibly forget the famous playoff mustache? Torts must be messing with Dubinsky’s head like some kind of heartless dad who’s emotionally tortured son constantly craves approval. Sick freaking bastard.

So there you have it – a picture perfect offseason straight out of the future champion’s playbook. We’re back on course, baby! The train is on the tracks and we’re destined for success! I know it, Ryan Callahan knows it and you damn well know it too. Get ready, Ranger fans, we're considered real contenders. Our four year window starts in less than a week…

@Osgood_StoolNYC

Snap Shot: 2011-2012 Season Site News

Silence be damned! I need to start writing more…

Don’t get me wrong. I love writing for Barstool and exploiting their popularity for my own person gain, but a true sports site it surely is not. I have a lot more to say about my favorite sport than what the Stool is willing to publish, and so I figured it was time to take my extra observations elsewhere. Turns out I already have a hockey blog capable to disseminating said observations to fellow Ranger fans. Funny how things work out like that, huh?

Anyways, with the start of preseason only a week away I thought it best to get back to the keyboard. I spent a lot of time this summer developing a video project that I hope you’ll see soon, but I’m a complete newb with it all and it may turn out like complete crap. If anyone out there wants to jump on board the project and has some insight for me, I’d be truly appreciative. It’s a web-based monthly video series aimed at selling hockey’s awesomeness to general sports fans. It’s called Puck My Life: The Hockey Show for General Sports Fans. Do you have any thoughts, ideas or practical solutions for my project? Email me – phillip.osgood@gmail.com.
Forgive the tangent. Where was I again? Ah yes, preseason is only a week away. I thought I’d start out this season with a slightly different format goal. Hopefully these “Snap Shot” blogs will let me comment a bit more on the actual developments of the Rangers’ season. I still want to write some of the original structured blogs, but those take a long-ass time and don’t often garner much feedback. They’ll come when they come, but until then, I want to let it flow like Jagr’s mullet out of a Jofa helmet.

I also want to open up the site to anyone who wants to contribute Ranger-related writings. That’s right - YOU could be writing for ’94 Parade! Just what you’ve always dreamed of! Put the sliver-sized popularity and prestige of this site aside for a moment. The best part about writing hockey was the sense of community it brought me with other Ranger fans. Whether you’re in Connecticut, St. Louis (I see you Toth) or right in the middle of New York City, there’s nothing like Rangers hockey and it’s been a pleasure sharing that passion with everyone on the facebook page. You want to contribute to the conversation? You want to be heard? Email submissions to 94parade@gmail.com and we’ll go from there. Quick thoughts, structured stories, personal experiences – doesn’t matter! Jot ‘em down, send ‘em in and get online.

I have a ton more to talk about regarding Ranger hockey, but this “Snap Shot” post is slowly turning into a novel so I’ll close it out here. Check back in soon for Snap Shot blogs about the Traverse City Prospects Tournament, Ryan Callahan’s captaincy, Sean Avery’s antics and the full season preview. Until then, my friends, Viva La Rangers!

My Namesake Retires

It's been a long and crazy career, Chris. Thanks for making my personalized Red Wings jersey significantly less lame than every other piece of customized crap out there (CoughCough-Leanza#22-CoughCough). You're a Hall of Famer in my book - 3 Cups, 401 Wins, 50 Shutouts, Lifetime 2.49 GAA/.905 SV% ... and oh yeah, one goal.

No One Will Remember the Numbers

I should preface this post with an apology.

I'm sorry for the lack of content posted to this page. After getting the call up to Barstool NYC, I knew it would be tough to balance writing '94 Parade articles with work while contributing to another site that admittedly brings me more readership and feedback then I ever thought I'd get. The posts on this page were very rewarding to write, but also took a long time and never seemed to garner much interaction. The '94 Parade Facebook page, on the other hand, was and is a real treat to run. Immediate interaction with fellow Ranger fans has helped me stay sane through this last season, and I can't imagine not discussing life as a Ranger fan through the '94 Parade page with all you fine people. I will continue to post on Barstool, I will continue to run the aforementioned facebook page, and I will try occasionally to update the content here.

With that being said, here's an article I wrote during and after the stanley cup finals game 7. It's a little long and bit somber for my normal work, but I just wanted to put it somewhere. Well, here it is. I hope you enjoy the writing style equivalent of my offspeed pitch.
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Some will remember the hugs, the high fives, and the moments left speechless. Some will remember the tears they shed and that feeling of falling just short. All will remember the Conn Smyth winner and who first got to lift up Lord Stanley’s Cup, but no one will remember the numbers.

At the end of an 82 game regular season and a lengthy playoff run, statistics reach their freezing point. We are left with a leader in every category measured – goals, assists, points and penalties. Someone sits in second and the rest sail “into bolivian”. The fact that Tim Thomas led the league with his goals against average and save percentage will forever remain footnotes to a fact – he and the rest of the Boston Bruins are now Stanley Cup Champions*(1).

To determine in physical distance the stark contrast of emotions felt in the wake of last night’s deciding Game 7, we would need the Ron Jeremy of all tape measurers. It would easily cover the thousands of miles that separate Vancouver and Boston, the most travel demanding Stanley Cup Final of all time. When you consider the season-long passion of Canadian hockey fans and the die-hard Bruins faithful, it’s the only appropriate way to take a final prospective on both this series and indeed the entire NHL season. A montage is made up of moments after all, not numbers. Wednesday night saw riots in B.C. and mass celebrations in Boston. How did we get there? How did one game throw two cities on such a contrasting emotional path*(2)? To find that out, we must take a look back at the emotionally memorable moments and their series significance. Years from now, when the hockey world remembers the 2011 Stanley Cup Final, these moments will be all that’s left.

Game one featured an epic goalie’s duel; 59 minutes and 41 seconds of scoreless hockey ended when Raffi Torres tapped a home the winner. Vancouver may have come away with the win, but it was Alex Burrow and his now infamous overbite that stole the next day’s headlines. All of Boston cried afoul and the league decided to play dumb; Burrows was not suspended for what many considered to be an obvious breach of the rules. Whether the evidence of a bite was conclusive or not, the moment highlights what happens to hockey players when they’re so close to hoisting Lord Stanley. They go insane*(3). They are so close to the chalice of their childhood dreams that normal notions of etiquette go right out the window. They become like rugby players, chomping at an opponent’s extremities for any taste of an edge they can get*(4).

And an edge they did get. Burrows became the focal point of the series’ second game after he took part in all three Canuck goals, including the overtime winner which he scored 11 seconds into the extra period. Boston fans wondered what would have happened had Burrows been suspended. Vancouver fans wondered when their parade would begin. I wondered what I be reduced to watching once this insanely magical season of NHL hockey finally stopped*(5).

When Maxim Lapierre taunted the Bruins’ Patrice Bergeron with a cheeky little smile and an offered up finger late in game 2, he really made a mistake. He essentially opened up the floodgates of hate for two cities that rarely see each other during the regular season. Matching the contempt Boston has for the city of Montreal would be quite a feat for anyone to muster, but Vancouver managed to elicit the full force of Masshole hatred before the second game even ended. Traveling Canuck fans would soon marvel in horror at the verbal brutality Boston fans bring to TD Garden. After two Vancouver home games and two Vancouver wins, no one could deny that we had a series of spirit on our hands. Now if only the Bruins could win a game or two and keep the whole thing competitive…*(6)

If you ask a random group of 100 diehard hockey fans what the final score of Game 3 was, some might remember. Some would say 8-1, some might say 7-1 forgetting Michael Ryder’s insult-to-injury goal, and some would simply say blowout and leave it at that. If you ask the same random group of 100 diehard fans what the turning point of said blowout was, every single one of them would answer Aaron Rome’s head-hunting hit on Nathan Horton. It was the kind of the play that changes the course of hockey history, but it barely made a blip on the stats sheet. Shots of Horton lying motionless on the ice made the scene harder to watch than a Sarah McLachlan-ASPCA commercial, and yet no one changed the channel. A massive concussion and a deserved suspension were the major storylines following the final game’s whistle, but the Bruins had rallied around their fallen hero and hung an 8-spot on Roberto Luongo. It was the city’s first Stanley Cup Finals win in 21 years. Boston was back, baby.

Game 4 gave us another Boston win and a Tim Thomas shutout, but the game’s most poignant moments came before and after the contest had ended. Prior to the puck drop, the night’s honorary captain and Bruins legend Bobby Orr stood at center ice and waved a giant black flag emblazoned with the injured Horton’s name and number. Famous #4 had no trouble pumping up the crowd that night, but the emotional intensity he instilled in the TD Garden crowd before the game was rebranded “euphoria” 12 minutes in*(7). Rich Peverley’s first of two goals made Luongo look like Swiss cheese, and his second ended the Vancouver goalie’s night early in the third. Only after the curtain finally closed and the Bruins had tied the series did the game’s most memorable moment happen. Nathan Horton, whose true concussion status remained a mystery to most Boston players, greeted his teammates in the home team locker room with some words of encouragement and a vintage Bruins jacket. The jacket, a failure of fashion even by 80s’ standards, is passed down each night to the player who made the game’s biggest impact. Horton had it hung in his locker after the Bruins game 3 win; he was already at Massachusetts General Hospital being monitored for symptoms. After game 4, he presented it to Peverley, face to face*(8).

As the series traveled back to Vancouver, the Bruins and their suddenly explosive offense also traveled back down to earth. Game 5 was another goaltender’s duel, but the 1-0 Canucks win will always be remembered more for the post-game comments than the action on the ice. Roberto Luongo seemed pretty satisfied with himself after pitching yet another home ice playoff shutout*(9). When asked if the shot that beat Tim Thomas would have passed him by as well, Luongo basically gave himself the Vezina trophy when he said, “It’s an easy save for me”. The verbal slight seemed to galvanize both the blood-thirsty American media and the Boston fans alike as the game headed back into bean town. Everyone came to Thomas’s defense while Luongo the bully managed to make the Canucks even less likeable. In the end, it’s all we will remember from game 5 – the moment this series truly became personal*(10).

Luongo lit the fuse with his Game 5 press conference, but the bomb blew up in his face for game 6. Three quick goals in the first was all the leash coach Alain Vigneault could afford, so Roberto Luongo spent the rest of the night as a spectator. It was an epic case of open mouth-insert skate; Larry David couldn’t have scripted it better himself. The game seemed over before the period even ended. I even felt secure enough to change the channel and check in on the Bachelorette*(11). As Bruins fans chanted “We Want the Cup”, it was obvious that they didn’t want their wish granted that night. Not right there, not right then. Lord Stanley would be making the trip back to Vancouver, after all, for the most intense of all sporting competitions – Game 7.

In every sport, in every situation, game 7 will forever be a feeling. Forget what actually happened; forget the true specifics. Game 7 will always be a cloudy haze of action and emotion. It’s the chills in preparation. It’s the boiling point of fandom. All your time and energy of an entire season spent and sacrificed for the opportunity to win one game.

There will always be photos, there will always be facts. There will be sound clips, written round-ups and YouTube tributes. There will be riots in both cities*(12). There will be rings, hats, t-shirts and more. We will buy these things. We will consume these memories in material. We will remember those moments as true NHL history. We will hold on to the edges of these memories as one season passes into another. A player’s plus/minus average and his total penalty minutes will fade into the land of forgotten factualities, for the knowledge we retain is always a product of the heart, never the head.

What happened on Wednesday night in Vancouver will live on in many forms – memorabilia, overplayed NHL commercials, the engraved names of the 2010-2011 Boston Bruins. What happened will live on forever in the annals of hockey history, but no one will remember the numbers.

Endnotes:
*1 - Footnote to this fact – he deserves it. I’m a full time Rangers fan, but I’m also a full time American. Watching this Michigan man/Vermont grad finally get his cup was a treat for that latter profession of mine. A part of me wanted the Canucks to win game 7 just to see if they’d give him the Conn Smyth anyways. It’s not unprecedented, and he totally deserved it.

*2 - Playoff hockey is without a doubt the most emotionally pivotal product out there for sports consumption. Generally speaking, I’m a healthy person when it comes to my mental disposition. On April 20th, I attended the Rangers-Caps game 4 at MSG with my fiancé on what was incidentally our 7 year anniversary. On that day, I experienced a series of manic episodes that would make Ray Finkle seem totally normal.

*3 - How else can you explain grown men playing with broken legs and severed tendons? It’s the type of tunnel vision insanity that stops your body from thinking logically. All it keeps saying is, “We want the cup…. We want the cup…”

*4 - Like my mom used to say after she came back from a day at the mall, if you don’t want to lose an ear, don’t jump into the scrum.

*5 - And please, NBC, don’t say “The Voice”. I’ve seen it and I’m not impressed. When you’re hosting the America’s 500th official TV vocal contest, you’re bound to a talent pool of recycled losers. Even Xtina can’t convince me that these people are legitimate singing stars.

*6 - Does it sound like I was rooting for the Bruins? I wasn’t. I was rooting for intense hockey and a competitive series. If game 3 ended in a Vancouver win, it would have been a critical loss not just for Boston but for the NHL as well.

*7 - With Cam Neely (former Bruins #8 and current member of the team’s front office) as honorary captain, Boston scored 8 goals. With Bobby Orr as captain, the B’s put back 4. This little conspiracy theory coincidence had people asking where Ray Bourque would be for game 6.

*8 - Reading the quotes of Boston players after seeing Horton that night should serve as a reminder to head hunting hockey players – don’t give the other team a reason to rally around each other.

*9 - Despite having given up 12 goals in the previous 2 games. As they say, people in glass houses…

*10 - There will certainly be a couple awkward moments at the annual NHL awards ceremony in Las Vegas as Luongo and Thomas will stand side by side to hear who wins bragging rights as the league’s best goaltender.

*11 - Secure enough in both the scoreline and my sexuality. Guilty pleasures - what can I say?

*12 - Unfortunately.

ESPN Power Rankings - The '94 Parade Remix

ESPN – The Roman Empire of sports media. They own sports like America owns the moon. They crammed their flag into the fabric of athletics first, and despite their humble beginnings have managed to become kings amongst reporters and writers. Hockey fans may know them by a different name, “Pure Evil”.

Hey, sure, I get it. They dropped the TV contract and let hockey fade into lockout oblivion. They refuse to broadcast it on SportsCenter now that games are played on Versus. But you know they still love it. Hockey plays populate the daily Top 10 because hockey is the single best and most demanding sport on the planet, and the highlights prove that.

They also created the Power Rankings. Every Monday the geniuses (sense the sarcasm?) over in the hockey department at ESPN throw out their NHL Power Rankings and help me waste a good 5 minutes of my work day. Did you see this last week’s edition? No need to go anywhere, I’ve copied the exact article and reposted it below. Beware, Scott Burnside gets a little edgy…

Rank (Last Week)

1 (2) – Philadelphia Flyers
The beast of the east became a very deep team with the acquisition of Kris Versteeg a couple weeks ago, so it wasn’t surprising to see them doing little at the deadline. I’m told the most work GM Paul Holmgren put in was when he called Glen Sather and begged him to take back Zherdev, even if it meant getting absolutely nothing in return. Sather was quoted as saying, “I may be stupid, but I’m not Darryl Sutter stupid”.

2 (1) – Vancouver Canucks
The Canucks look poised and ready to take the President’s Trophy for the first time since they started giving it out. And that’s nice for the Vancouver fans, because let’s face it. We all know they’re not winning the Stanley Cup. I mean, they’re from Canada! That would just be absurd.

3 (3) – Detroit Red Wings
The one NHL team most closely related to alien rock god Charlie Sheen is the Detroit Red Wings. Why, you ask? Winning! It’s what hockeytown does 7 out of every 10 times they hit the ice. They’re the west conference’s most legit contender because, as I said, we all know that somehow Vancouver just won’t pull it off.

4 (4) – San Jose Sharks
The Sharks have been eating up the competition as of late (see why they pay me the big bucks?) going 12 and 2 over their last 14 games. Hey Sharks, no one gives a rat’s ass! Regular season 7 game winning streaks are never going to prove that you can succeed deep into the playoffs, and that’s a scientific fact.

5 (8) – Boston Bruins
A perfect six and oh on their western conference road trip almost makes you forget that this team blew a three game lead in a seven game series only one year ago. Almost…

6 (10) – Los Angeles Kings
After a streaky season, the Kings are finally starting to heat up at the right time. They were out to get Brad Richards but instead landed Dustin Penner. That’s like asking for hockey tickets on your birthday and getting hooked up with AHL seats. Just because Wade Redden and Michael Del Zotto are on the ice does not mean it’s a Ranger game, you know what I’m saying?

7 (9) – Tampa Bay Lightning
Finally done with their crazy long home stand, the Lightning have taken their show on the road and are winning in fine form. Marty St. Louis and Steven Stamkos are like hydrogen and oxygen – most useful when working together. Add a double dose of St. Louis, because he’s really short you know.

8 (5) – Phoenix Coyotes
The Coyotes have taken a few wrong turns since their eight game winning streak, but it doesn’t matter because nobody is watching, still. I’ll tell you where the wrong turn was, putting a franchise is Phoenix to begin with. I mean doesn’t it feel like sport on city rape at this point? No means no, NHL, the fans (or lack thereof) have spoken (or not as the case may be).

9 (16) – Chicago Blackhawks
The defending champs are finally starting to play hockey like aspiring champs. The playoffs aren't assured yet, but that hasn’t stopped Patrick Kane from making party related headlines yet again. Save the spirits for the summer Kaner, or suffer the fate of an early one.

10 (13) – Pittsburgh Penguins
With all of the injuries they’ve suffered, GM Ray Shero has decided to follow an interesting path. Replacing all of the Penguins with players from the AHL and then bringing back Kovalev just for the fan nostalgia? If they suck on the ice, at least they’ll still sell tickets in Super Cindy’s absence.

11 (11) – Washington Capitals
Everyone still believes that this team can win the Stanley Cup, but getting whipped by the Rangers 7-0 isn’t helping to make their case. I mean, it’s the Rangers for Gretzky’s sake! They couldn’t score on an empty net if it sat right on their face.

12 (12) – Minnesota Wild
They win one, they lose one. They’re in the playoffs, they’re out of the playoffs. Living through a Minnesota winter is crappy enough, but what this team is doing to its fans is borderline torture.

13 (17) – Montreal Canadians
This team is evening out and solidifying their playoff spot, despite being banged up and inconsistent as of late. If this team gets hot going into the post season, you can bet your sweet ass we’ll be seeing some rioting. Don’t park your cars in the Montreal streets during the month of April, nothing is safe.

14 (20) – New York Rangers
Maybe they really liked finishing in 9th place last year, I don’t know. How else can you explain their apparent desire to get back down there ASAP. Unless these guys step up soon AND get lucky with some Sabre losses, odds aren’t good that they finish in the top 8. I’m not going to bet on it, though. Nothing against the situation, I just don’t want to revisit that whole “gambling addiction” thing with my mom again.

15 (19) – Dallas Stars
Brad Richards stays but does that mean a playoff birth is in store for the Stars? Seriously, I couldn’t care less. Can’t you tell that I’m phoning it in like a professor on tenure? I heard that Jerry Jones looks at the ownership issues in Dallas when he wants a good laugh.

16 (7) – Calgary Flames
Fire the GM, turn around season, reform attitude and establish character. This whole team is just one big ball of comeback cliché and frankly, it’s making me sick.

17 (15) – Nashville Predators
They're fighting for a playoff spot and right on the bubble, but nothing ever comes easy for the Nashville Predators, except for Carrie Underwood tickets. They got a guy for that now.

18 (18) – Columbus Blue Jackets
The Jackets added RJ Umberger at the deadline to add some experience to their roster. Oh look, the cute little bumble bee franchise is trying to make a playoff push. That is SO adorable!

19 (6) – New Jersey Devils
Too little, too late for this group of ex-punchlines. At least they avoided the possibility of getting that first overall pick. Too much pressure!

20 (14) – Anaheim Ducks
This team needs an emotional boost to keep their fight for a playoff spot alive. An inspirational speech from coach Gordon Bombay should do the trick. What’s that? Gordon Bombay is a fictional character? And here I was thinking that those were documentaries. Wow, do I feel stupid.

21 (21) – Buffalo Sabres
If Ryan Miller keeps up his godliness in goal, they may want to think about just giving him a gold medal anyways. Wouldn't that be nice of Steve Yzerman if he sent Ryan his medal with a note that said, "Here, you deserve it. I have an extra one at home. Plus they keep replaying that shot of you getting the silver, and it's worse than those ASPCA commercials with the Sarah McLachlan songs. I can't take it anymore."

22 (23) – Carolina Hurricanes
Eric Staal goes out with a concussion soon after getting away with a high hit on his younger brother Marc. Karma reveals itself to be quite a bitch once again, it seems.

23 (27) – Toronto Maple Leafs
They were the impossible dark horse for one hot minute but left crucial points on the table in their last couple games. Just enough effort to get the Toronto faithful's hopes up and then you tank it per usual, eh boys? Just keep on twisting the knife, why don't you.

24 (22) – St. Louis Blues
Darwin was right, and the western conference playoff race is proof. It's survival of the fittest at this point, and St. Louis recently went the way of the Dodo.

25 (26) – Florida Panthers
The Panthers have given up on this season, evidenced by their calling up of Hugh Jessimen. Ranger fans will remember this guy as the giant bust of the 2003 first round draft who never even dressed for the team. Every other guy drafted in that first round has made a significant impact at the NHL level, and this guy is just getting his first game. Weakest sauce of the bunch.

26 (25) – Atlanta Thrashers
Has anyone asked these players what they'd think about a move to Winnipeg? Judging by the turnout at Thrashers games recently, I'd say that panic mode is imminent for their ownership.

27 (24) – New York Islanders
Cue the 4th consecutive season where everyone comments on how this team is very close to maturing its young talent. Cue the 4th consecutive season where they'll be finishing in the bottom 5 of the league.

28 (28) – Ottawa Senators
Yard sale, baby! “Hey, how much Chris Phillips?” “Oh him, sorry he’s not for sale. I’m not sure how he got out here, my mistake. Did you see Jarkko Ruutu, though? I can go as low as 2 dollars on this one.”

29 (29) – Edmonton Oilers
Trust me. Eventually, all these Oiler young guns are going to mature and flourish in the NHL. The bad part is that they’ll all be playing for different teams when it happens. I’m told that when Chris Pronger left Edmonton, he salted the earth so that nothing else may grow there.

30 (30) – Colorado Avalanche
For teams like Edmonton and the Islanders, being bad kind of comes naturally. For the Colorado Avalanche, it took a lot of practice to suck this much.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen. ESPN Power Rankings brought you to by ’94 Parade. In the hope that you and the Rangers have a good day today, I leave you with this haiku entitled, “I Am Getting More and More Insane with Every Ranger Loss”.

Please beat the Wild
Or there will be a high chance
Of public damage.

Ottawa 2012 - All Stars for Different Reasons

This post may seem a little out of season (since I started writing it a while ago), but nevertheless it remains an important league issue that needs to be addressed quickly. With the success of the Winter and Heritage Classic and the fantasy-themed All Star Game, the NHL is hard-pressed to keep its publicity stunts current and fresh. The future of the almost always lame All Star Game remains of particular interest to both the hockey media and the general fan base.

This year the league lathered on a little gimmick sauce to help the festivities all go down smoother. Don’t get me wrong, I’m appreciative, but in the end the theme registers only a 3 out of 10 on the “Gets My Blood Going Faster than Michael Grabner O’Meter”. Essentially, this little fantasy roster scheme gave two professional athletes the opportunity to do something they’ve worked their entire lives to avoid – play fantasy hockey.

This first run of a much needed revision did get me thinking of new ideas, however. There’s a lot the league can do to make this annual event (except for the Olympic years, God bless them) more of a novelty. My first idea – All Stars for Different Reasons. Give the Crosbys of the world a rest; let’s see some players who are the best the league has to offer at something other than hockey. Hey Brendan Shanahan, check out my proposed starting roster for next year’s game in Ottawa.

Eastern Conference

Goalie – Dan Ellis.
How predictable… Over the past couple years, Dan has shown hockey fans that he is a top of the table twitter tweeter, despite being a mediocre goalie on his best day. He’s also the only NHL player that Reggie Bush can identify by name, which is bound to be the high point of Mr. Ellis’ life and career.
*Note: Fans will most certainly cry “snub” at the fact that the most efficient fighter in league history, Penguins back up Brent Johnson, didn’t make the roster.

Left Defense - Sergei Gonchar.
Only a couple seasons ago, Gonchar was an injured-but-playing, cup-winning bad-ass who helped bring the hated Penguins their 3rd Stanley Cup. Now, Sergei is Ottawa’s richest and least productive citizen. In a town full of politicians, that is truly an accomplishment.

Right Defense – Michael Sauer.
The +10, rock solid, rookie defensive defenseman has done an impeccable job avoiding praise, recognition and attention from the every member of the hockey media. Does Taylor Hall have the Stanley Cup tattooed on his ass or something? It seems like everyone with a microphone is hell bent on kissing it.

Left Wing – Matt Moulson.
When he recently signed a three year contract extension with the New York Islanders, Matt Moulson revealed himself to be the league’s most deranged and delusional player. “I won’t be satisfied until we bring home the Stanley Cup championship”. And you think this dinky three year contract is going make it happen? Sorry Matt, but the NHL doesn’t let you sign 20 year contracts, just ask Ilya Kovalchuk.

Center – Jeff Skinner.
Nine out of ten times Jeff Skinner is mentioned during a TV broadcast, the discussion is accompanied by file footage of young Jeffery twirling around proficiently in a pair of white figure skates. My girlfriend asked if that particular skating skill would give you a better chance at making it into the NHL. I said, “It might. Most people wouldn’t even bother for fear of looking like this prepubescent twirly bird every time they were featured on air”.


Right Wing – Ryan Shannon.
Ryan gets into this game simply because he was born and raised in Darien, Connecticut (hometown shout out!). Another Darien native, maybe you’ve heard of him, MOBY? Yeah, he called Darien “The Most Racially Homogenous Place on the Planet”. Nice try Moby, but have you ever checked out the NHL? 20% of the league’s diversity (which is only 4 people) plays in Atlanta. That fact is either a product of fate or a very misguided marketing effort…

Western Conference

Goalie – Nikolai Khabibulin.
The Bulin Wall may be known in some parts of the world for his Stanley Cup ring and his Olympic medals, but the honorable police force of Scottsdale, Arizona know Nikolai best for his excessive speeding while under the influence of alcohol charges.

Left Defense – Ruslan Salei.
According to reliable sources, the veteran Belarusian defenseman is the league’s most feared and respected Call of Duty player. I guess to a guy that watched the Soviet Union collapse in their back yard while growing up, Nazi Zombies are a piece of cake.

Right Defense – Jack Johnson.
When you think about it, simultaneously selling 15 million albums worldwide and playing professional hockey for the Los Angeles Kings is a pretty impressive feat. I loved his work on the Curious George soundtrack too.

Left Wing – Drew Miller.
Out of all the NHL players with more successful siblings in the league, Drew Miller - winger for the Detroit Red Wings and younger brother of Sabres goalie Ryan - is the least well known. Despite being a professional hockey player himself, Drew’s best pick up line is still “My brother’s Ryan Miller”.
*Those who were looking for a Joel Lundqvist shoutout should know that Henrik’s less fortunate twin now plays back home in the Swedish Elite League.

Center – Alexander Steen.
The young St. Louis Blues forward was born in Winnipeg, Manitoba (his father Thomas actually played for the Jets), but decided to play for Sweden in international competitions. The decision to trade allegiances baffled the Canadian hockey community; they thought he must be the only player in the sport who doesn’t prefer to win gold over bronze.

Right Wing - Marian Hossa.
It takes a special breed of winner picker to shameless hop from contending team to contending team in the hopes of winning a Stanley Cup. Before being traded away from Atlanta to Pittsburgh in early ’08, he famously stated “Screw the specific city, Imma get mine!”

There you have it, league executives. Next year’s All Star Game format, all packaged up and ready to go. No need to thank me; a cushy job with a six figure income will do just fine.

Get ready for the playoff push Ranger fans. Judging by this past month’s play, we’ll be lucky to slip in at #8. All joking aside, if we lose out on the playoffs on the last day of the season I’m going to check myself into a mental hospital for the entire summer. To celebrate these moments where will still are mathematically capable of winning the Stanley Cup, I give you this haiku entitled “Scoring More Goals May Help Our Offense, Just Saying”.

If I liked watching
Teams that score one goal a game
I’d turn to soccer.

The Worst Hockey Game I've Ever Been To

Greetings! Welcome to ’94 Parade. Glad you made your way over here, thanks for stopping in, would you mind removing your shoes please? I’m trying to keep the floors clean…

So last week I went to my second Rangers game of the year. I’m 0/2 so far. It’s frustrating. The first one I went to was against the Senators, a game I chose purely based on my understanding that the Senators are a shit team that the Rangers can beat easily. I even passed up tickets to the Capitals game they won 7-0 because I thought they had a better chance against Ottawa. Who knew Chris Kelly would put up a hat trick on Lundy? Who knew Chris Kelly was even a hockey player?!

So game number two was against our hated rival, the New Jersey Devils. Everyone knows how it went. Badly. 3 goals on 11 something shots, one in the first minute, the game felt over as soon as Kovy’s name was announced as the first goal scorer. Yet the Rangers felt the need to twist my heart and come back to within one. They thought it would be funny to hit a couple posts and leave me wallowing in a wasted $70. I walked away feeling frustrated and helpless.

But as bad as I felt last Thursday, I knew that times had been worse. My worst hockey experience ever came on a day when the Rangers played the Devils at the Prudential Center in February of ‘09. I was a senior in college, and my five friends and I got tickets to the game. Half Devils fans, half Ranger fans, we bantered back and forth until New Jersey took the lead. From then on out, we didn’t have a chance. The Rangers looked flat and completely incapable of getting a solid scoring chance, so there wasn’t much fun to be had by simply watching the game.

Nevertheless, there was some excitement only a few rows in front of us. A group of Ranger fans were annoying and taunting a large Devils fan sitting directly in front of them. The Devils fan was with his girlfriend or something, and you could tell that was pretty much all that was holding him back. He was freakin’ huge too, kept turning around and telling them to keep their mouths shut. The whole section kind of got into it, trying to push the two parties to their boiling points just to see the fireworks.

Well nothing happened, but the young group of Ranger fans continued to talk throughout the night, despite the fact that our team was soundly beaten. But when the game was over, the battle began! Here’s what happened…

-With thirty seconds left in the game, three of our friends (2 of the bigger ones and one Quat) leave to hit up the bathroom.

-The buzzer sounds and we decide to wait in our seats for the boys to come back.

-The young group of Ranger fans walk up the stairs to exit the section and begin to talk smack with my fat friend Gumdrop whose ratty Devils jersey can barely fit over his beer/everything else under the sun belly.

-My friend Rob joins in, both of my companions are wearing Devils jerseys. It’s also important to note that I am wearing nothing to signify my Ranger loyalty.

-The main agitator of the opposing group, a slim looking wiener who’s obviously had too much to drink and not enough love from his parents, slips his way into the row above us and keeps jabbering on about us being cats or kittens or something along those lines, I can’t remember exactly.

-He then pushes Gumdrop. Now the push was completely ineffective as the Gum is about 5’ 10” and weighs over 300 pounds with a center of gravity like a concrete block, but the tension was cut anyways.

-Rob and I both grab this kid on pure principal and drag him down to our row.

-As this happens, all 4 of his friends come running into the row behind us.

-I’m closest to the aisle, so two of them immediately grab me from behind and start punching me in the head. They’ve got the added advantage of higher ground and larger numbers, so I never even had a chance.

-Every time I looked up to make a move, a fist hit me right in the face. I took about six shots to the eye, never fell though cause I’m a total bad ass like that.

-After six straight shots though, I was fed up, so I made a bold move to jump over the row but that backfired and I wound up getting thrown 4 rows down the stands.

-As I got up, the young Ranger fans began to hurriedly leave. The 400 pound female security guards were watching us (not doing anything, mind you) and that seemed to indicate that the festivities were winding down.

-Clearly the worse for wear, we were escorted into the medical office of the Rock.

-My friend Rob was the only one who had seemingly won his fight. I had been double-teamed into a black eye and a concussion, and my Gummy friend was also banged up.

-We met back up with our 3 friends who were stunned to hear to what happened. Had they been there it would have been a completely different story, I assure you. Ironically enough, they had witnessed a fan fight in the bathroom as well.


So we left the Pru and headed back to the car. My eye was swelling up faster than a teenage penis after browsing W Magazine’s Kim Kardashian photo shoot. My five friends were chatting on and on about how cool it was and how it would have been so different if so and so had been there. And the worst news of all, the absolute cherry on the shit-sundae I was so gracefully served… I WAS SOBER! I was the freakin' designated driver. My luck could not have been worse. At least if I was drunk I wouldn’t have noticed the concussion slowly and painfully making its way through my cabesa.

The best hockey game I’ve ever been to was the NJ-NY game last year when the Rangers won 3-1 and Lundy put on a show like no other. I should have known going into Thursday that the experience couldn’t possibly top that night. At least I also knew that it couldn’t be worse than the aforementioned disaster.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately! I’ve been busy like you wouldn’t believe, and it’s a lot harder to be happily creative about the Rangers when their play on the ice resembles Islander-like awfulness. To make it up to you, please accept this haiku apology.

No apologies
Until the Rangers win a
Freaking game for once.