Thursday, September 23, 2010
Rangers Rule #1 - HATE THE DEVILS!
Hockey Season is Back!!! Well, sort of…
The New York Rangers 2010-2011 season kicks off tonight with a preseason battle against our biggest rival. No, not Denis Potvin (why do we still mock-cheer him anyway, it’s not 1983 anymore). It’s the New Jersey Devils for gosh sakes!
Now it may be because I started watching the Ranger during the 94 season, or maybe it’s because all my mutant brain-dead friends at college were loud and obnoxious Devils fans, but I hate that team.
Seriously. Hate Them. Can’t stand when they win, and win they do often. 3 cups since we last won one, a seemingly endless string of playoff appearances, and the most annoyingly decent goalie in the league, the Devils have surely surpassed the Isles on the Rangers Hate Intensity O’Meter. So in honor of tonight’s preseason opener against them, here’s a Rangers Fan’s Top 10 Reasons to Hate the Devils!
1)Everything and anything that has to do with the state of New Jersey.
From the overabundance of not-so-eloquent meathead Guidos to the smell of the Newark air, this state truly sucks. I mean come on, people from New Jersey aren’t even allowed to pump their own gas because understanding the process requires a four-year degree from Rutgers. Seriously, stop worrying about an MTV show giving your state a bad name, you’re second only to rednecks in being the butt of dumb jokes.
2)David Putty, Kevin Smith and Shaquille O’Neil are fans.
Seriously, Shaq, speak English much? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16RieHkH_vk
3)They convinced Ilya Kolvalchuk that 15 years playing to empty seats in Newark is a better opportunity than earning millions tax-free as a rock star in Siberia.
They may be right on that one, but if I were Ilya and I saw the attendance at a Devils home game, I’d be playing in LA faster than you can say “The attendance for tonight’s game is… 5,014”.
4)Marty Broduer left his wife to be with his wife’s sister.
That’s pretty bad-ass, actually.
5)Lou Lamarillo is a genius.
Damn you, Glen Sather. I wish we had this guy!
Ugh, seriously, you are all so annoying. I don’t care how hard Scott Stevens (used to) hit guys or how you drafted Zach Parise after we passed him up to take Huey Jesseman (Who?!), your team blows and I will never admit that Marty is the best goalie of all time.
The Devils have two banners up for each number retired, 4 for Scott Stevens and 3 for Ken Daneyko, on opposing sides of the rink to even out the look of their often empty stadium. Just because you have no history doesn’t mean you should double down on everyone’s accomplishments. Wait a minute… Why is Ken Daneyko’s number is retired? That’s just plain retarded!
8)Broduer is impossibly good in all NHL Video Games.
The fix is in! Playing against the Devils in any version of a hockey video game is annoying as shit when you can’t score to save your life. Totally not fair. Fine, then I’ll just be the Western Conference All Stars, ass hole.
That bullshit, left-wing-lock hockey was not only boring as hell, it cost us all a season and made playing their team an exercise in torturous sports watching (still not as bad as watching a WNBA game, though). There were some positives in the end, however, as all the subsequent rule changes forced them to abandon the life-strangling style they used to play and… oh shit, they’re still good year in and year out. F those A-Holes!
10)I’m a Rangers Fan!
From Sean Avery’s distraction techniques to Messier, Mike Keenan and MATTEAU! MATTEAU! STEPHAN MATTEAU! Seriously, the moments in life where we beat the devils are the best moments of all. It doesn’t matter if you guaranteed a Game 6 victory or simply pissed off Marty like no one else could, if you help the Rangers sink the Devils in any way, shape or form, I will worship in your church until the end of time.
Thanks for reading, everyone. GAME ON!