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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Nah-Nah Nah-Nah, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye Wade!

So with pre-season training camp only weeks away, Rangers fans are eagerly anticipating (or actively dreading) what kind of product will skate out onto the ice in early October. Last year, Training Camp and preseason brought a slew of exciting rookies who gave us small glimpses of hope before slinking back into the reality of an 82 game season. This year, roster controversy seems rooted in one under achieving, veteran defenseman: Wade Redden.

Rumors are that this brain-dead pylon will be elsewhere when the season starts, and this is reason to celebrate for Rangers fans. Many of us would give our left nut to be able to tell that blank-faced moron Redden first hand that he’s a washed up, talentless fuck who won’t be allowed to single-handily sabotage our blue line again. God, wouldn’t you just love to see Redden and his abysmal contract taken down a peg or two? Well, 94 Parade’s well placed sources were there to bug the room as Torts and Sather sat down with the wayward defenseman, and this is what we heard:

Glen Sather: Well, Wade, welcome back. How’s the offseason been? Keeping in shape at all?

Wade Redden: Was I supposed to?

John Tortorella: Good Lord Wade, you’re supposed to be a professional athlete for Christ’s sake. Did working out in the offseason seriously not cross your mind?

WR: (Stares blankly at Coach & General Manager)

GS: No matter! Wade, we brought you in here to discuss the upcoming season…

WR: Yeah! I’m very excited. Love hockey, been following things all summer. Could you believe that overtime goal by Patrick Kane? Watched the playoffs with my wife, great stuff, I love watching hockey.

JT: I’m aware, Wade. I’ve watched you up close for two torturous years now. You do more watching during our games than you do playing. You stand around like a goddamn spectator while third line scrubs skate figure 8s around your blank, emotionless face! Wouldn’t you rather be playing in June, or is watching the Stanley Cup finals fine with you, you voyeuristic waste of money!

GS: Now John, relax. It’s not all Wade’s fault. As I recall, you sent another emotionless sack of over-the-hill shit out there to take our final shootout go in that last game with the Flyers…

JT: Glen, how did you ever get Calgary to take Ollie the Joke-inen back? I mean seriously, pure genius.

GS: Well, I had a lot to make up for after giving out that record-breaking bust of a contract to…

Both Sather and Tortorella look quickly at Redden, then back at each other, then both laugh loudly.

GS: Well, anyways Wade. We brought you in here to ask if you’ve ever heard of a magical little place called Hartford, Connecitcut? It’s the city where dreams come true!

JT: (Whispers) Haha, yeah if you’re dream is to get stabbed in an alley way just to be robbed of your leather jacket and dignity.

WR: Sounds pretty cool… Where have I heard of it before?

GS: Well, they used to have an NHL team there. They were called the Whalers.
WR: What happened to them?

JT: Disappeared. July of 1997, straight up vanished into thin air. No one ever saw them again. Some say they died. Others say they moved down to Carolina. I don’t see much of a difference between the two, to be honest.

WR: Well, if they don’t have an NHL team, what does Hartford have to do with me?

JT: Ahahah, oh this is going to be great!

GS: Wade. We need to be honest with you. You’re awful. Just a terrible hockey player. I mean seriously, you’ve got to know that right? With all the watching you do, you can’t possibly still believe you’re still a top-level player? MDZ made you look like a bitch all season last year, and that kid’s 19! He barely has pubes! Seriously though Wade, it’s time we let you go… to the minors.

WR: THE MINORS!?!?! But! My contract! I thought I was safe forever!? My agent told me you’d never be able to get rid of me!!

GS: Well, he probably didn’t count on you being this horrendous of a hockey player. Before, sending one of my highest paid players to rot in the minors would have been straight crazy and just plain bad business. Now, not sending you to the minors makes me the hockey world’s dumbest GM. I realize it’s only a matter of months before the angry Rangers fans come knocking and screaming for my head again, and I figure if I throw you under the bus now, they’ll be too busy laughing at your corpse to realize they should have fired me at the end of last season.

JT: AHAHAHAHA! Look at his face! He can’t believe it!

WR: Well, what’s going to happen? Tell me the truth, I’ll be able to come back right?

GS: Well do you want me to tell you the truth or do you want me to tell you you’ll be able to play your way back into the Garden?

JT: Wade, we’re cutting our losses. I’d rather suck Larry Brooks’ saggy ball sack in front of a sell-out crowd than coach your sorry ass in another NHL game. We don’t want you, no other NHL team wants you, so we’re putting you where you can do the least damage.

The Coach and GM walk Wade to the door and usher him out.

GS: It’s for the best, Wade, please don’t cry. CT is full of people just like you; they’ve all got their head up their asses and are essentially forgettable figures that no one in the nation knows exist. You’ll be fine!

JT: Say hi to that a-hole Brasheer for us, won’t you? Find out if he’s learnt to skate yet! AHAHAHAHA!!!

Door closes and the two men start laughing.

GS: Right. Well now if we could only find some way of getting rid of that retard Rozsival, we'd be golden.

JT: Let's call Calgary!

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