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Friday, December 2, 2011

Snap Shot: Sean Avery Sleeping With Teammate's Girlfriend Rumor

Opening sentence overused joke alert - It looks like Sean Avery could once again be on the wrong side of a sloppy seconds situation. For the record, this is nothing more than a rumor put out there by some dickbag on twitter with deplorable grammar and unsubstantiated source-citing. His name is Incarcerated Bob, and he’s one cocky bastard. Unfortunately for our currently chemistry-laden team, cocky bastards sometimes base their confidence on being correct. Given the player in question and his pension for poonani, this is one rumor that could catch fire fast in a marketplace ripe with Sean Avery-haters. Let’s examine…

After last night’s 5-3 win over the Hurricanes, a game in which Avery scored his third goal of the season (and received a lot praise from the press in the process), we were all on cloud nine. Winning streaks left and right with literally everyone short of the back-up goalie putting their name on the score sheet night after night. Umm, is this fake life? Mirage or not, I thought, I’m going to enjoy this I-root-for-a-good-team feeling!

Wait, hold that. Here comes Incarcerated Bob with a couple tweets about a confrontation between Avery and an unnamed teammate about philandering fornication and the whole world goes insane. I’d never even heard of this ex-con wannabe until another fan-run Rangers facebook page (though I’m obviously much more than a facebook page) posted the rumor. Within the hour, I had my opinion set. Here’s how I’d break it down…

A trustworthy twitter friend told me that this dude throws shit against the wall all day long without naming sources and about 20% of it ends up happening. If you question his methods or integrity, you get blocked. I put in the “follow” request, saw the tweets myself, saw his general demeanor, and saw his “I’ve been on Boomer & Carton” caption (also heard he’s been banned from calling because of his rumor-mongering). Despite the seemingly sketchy nature of this twitter-based source (trying not to laugh), I have to admit that I’m scared it’s all true. I don’t know it or think it, I FEAR it. Sean Avery could definitely do this kind of thing. Despite the fact that he’s a fan favorite and pays proper lip-service when it comes to “his love of this team”, he’s still flesh-and-blood and a known womanizer. I wouldn’t put it past him, but I think we, as fans, all expect better from him. He’s supposed to embody the personality of this team, and I think it’s fair to say that we don’t envision that true Ranger as a white Tiger Woods fashionisto on skates.

Adding fuel to the fire is the extremely odd interaction that seemed to occur between Avery and Michael Del Zotto in the embrace-filled wake of Avery’s snap shot goal. Cutting away from an obviously embarrassed Cam Ward (two of Sean’s three goals this season have now come against the Canes, and let’s face it, Sean’s no sniper), the camera caught a shot of Avery’s contorted and seemingly pissed-off facial expression. It looked like his words were directed at the young defenseman Del Zotto, or maybe it was the other way around. Could Avery simply have been reacting to a snide “scoring” comment from MDZ? Is that whose chick he cuckolded? Who else could it be – Prust? Boyle? If he banged Brad Richards’ new date companion, Olivia Munn, than we’ve really got page six material waiting in the wings for just a sliver of verification. Someone needs to step up and set the record straight so I can go back to believing in these blueshirts. Incarcerated Bob, I’m looking at you.

Final question - Were the 24/7 cameras going? Please tell me someone in that seemingly contentious celebration circle was miked up. Considering the inexplicable success of those god-awful Basketball Housewives of Beverly County New Jersey shows, maybe HBO thought sprinkling in some soap opera-like sleeping scandals would help hockey get more popular. Can’t hurt the sport’s popularity; can hurt team chemistry.

This edition of Ranger Haikus is entitled, “I Totally Know That This Whole Article Is Slightly Hypocritical”.

I’m no Bob Costas
But at least I cite my sources
Pot Calling Kettle!

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