Snap Shot - I Missed The Oiler Game But Heard We Sucked (Direct From Torts)

So Torts sounds pissed, eh? “We sucked from head to toe”. It sounds like we either played a really bad hockey game or helped film Rex Ryan’s new big budget sports-porno. Is that already an adult movie genre? Sporno? If it’s not, it should be. “Superhole XXXV”, “Conn Smythe Trophy Wife Volume Whatever”, the franchising options are endless. So long movie spoofs, spornos are where it’s at!

Anyways, so I didn’t see the Oiler game. I spent the weekend down at the ol’ alma matter honoring the late, great Henry Masters. My fraternal “big bro” passed away two years ago due to a tragic combination of inborn immune deficiencies and H1N1. He was the man. I’m sure you’ve been called “the man” before. I’m sorry. You’re not the man. Tuna was the man. Now that he’s gone, there will never be another “the man” again. He was it - a great friend and an incredible mentor whose words were always ripe with intellect. He was a sage amongst stoners. He was a king amongst kids. He will forever be missed by the men of Phi Tau. Rest in peace, Henry… and Mason too.

After Henry died, we raised money for a bench to be built on campus and dedicated in his memory. The ceremony for that dedication was on Saturday. Most of the older alumni left afterwards, but a few of us chose to stay and party it up with the kids at night. I could have driven home and been back before the game, but they were throwing a rave themed party and I look just young enough to not be instantly recognizable as an alumni creeper. Considering that the next real party I go to will probably be my wedding, I thought it best to “carpe de night” and get crunked with the kids.

Somewhere in the middle of wallflowering my way through said party, I found myself in the middle of a crowded, sweaty, day-glo covered living room watching NHL on the Fly for Ranger highlights. Here’s a brief summary of the images I was fed. Please keep in mind that I am now 4 hours deep into a college rave and cannot hear a goddamn peep the TV is making…

- Oilers offensive chance. Lundy saves.

- Oilers offensive chance. Lundy saves.

- Rangers offensive chance barely looks dangerous.

- Oilers offensive chance. Lundy saves.

- Oilers goal. Goal scorer is so young he would have been denied entry into the aforementioned party.

- Oilers offensive chance. Lundy saves.

- Oilers offensive chance. Lundy saves.

- Rangers blow long five on three power play and fail to score.

- Oilers goal. Don’t know who scores because I’m too busy accepting inevitable defeat.

- Shot of Lundy cramping up and asking off the ice. Accepting defeat turns into angry disbelief.

- Shot of Oilers celebrating around known drunk driver Nikolai Khabibulin. 2-0 Final.

Way to kill my buzz, blueshirts. Way to ruin an otherwise pleasant evening. I’m not too mad though; the pledges got the brunt of my frustration. I’ll let you make it up to me tonight when we bring down the Jets. Until next time…